I lie all the time okay? I lie to stay sane. To protect myself. To protect you. I hurt you because you hurt me, but only because I’ve lied to myself. If I hadn’t have lied to me I wouldn’t have anyone else to lie to, but I do. So I do.
And I hate myself today for hurting you and being a bitch. It’s not all your fault, I blame you for my lies. Like you wouldn’t accept if I wasn’t squeaky clean. I guess all my worse fears were brought to light in that one moment. Now I play my first game with you just like I used to do. How hard can you push back? What can I get away with? I’ve always been too scared to do that with you because I always thought you’d walk away. In fact, you told me that you would. Now I’m going to see if it’s still true.
I’m tired of being only the best of myself for you, I need a rest. I want to be able to be exactly who I am and see if you will love me then. Maybe I’m being reckless, but I have to know how deep we are. What can we survive? How much can we survive?
I’ve decided that I’m tired. I want to scream from every hilltop how I really feel. What I really want to say. I’ve been in prison held hostage by the lies. I’ve not been living my life. I’ve been living someone else’s life. And I only have so much time, how dare I squander it by pretending to be someone else! I’m done with that now. But I don’t think I’m ready for honesty.
What if you don’t love me?
I doubt everything we have and everything we are and the role that I have played with you this last week. I just want some proof. I doubt myself, my abilities, my competencies, my power over you in love. I feel lost this week. And so I’ll lie, but that’s nothing new.
It’s who I am. Who I’ve been.To myself. To you.
I’m only honest with the unconditional… will we, will I, measure up or will I always have to lie?