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Short-Term Memory Girl

Here I am again the short term memory girl.
You hurt me and I’m usually over it before I fully realize I’m mad,
But not this time.
You hurt me, and you didn’t even see it.
It’s all I’ve ever really wanted to succeed at
The only goal I have always kept close to me, and you know it.
It’s the most important thing to me, and you know it.
You know that I’m am nervous
You know how hard I’ve worked to be better
You know how hard I try to be everything for you
Now your going to tell me that I fail, I’ve failed, I’ll fail you.
You saying it doesn’t hurt as much as you thinking it, believing it.
I don’t ask much of you, and you never say what you expect of me
You say it’s fine, you push it aside for so long that I believe it,
Then you resent me.
It is deep.
You’ve hurt me this time.
I feel like I can’t trust. I feel like I have everything to prove.
I feel like I’ll never live up to everything you think I should be in your eyes,
Even if I do.
I feel like taking it back.
Like you’re not ready.
Like it’s all about convenience and it will never be convenient.
This has been my only dream since I was sixteen,
And you don’t trust me to have it.
I’m going to make your life worse if I get it.
I’m going to fail you if it happens.
Hearing you say that has been my worst fear since we’ve been together.
I’ve always known the day would come when you’d resent me for everything
Everything that you told me to do that I did.
I knew you’d take it back.
But it still hurt worse than I thought it would.
And I’m a little shattered.
You’ve played on my worst fears and now I feel like I can’t even trust myself.
I mean what if you’re right.
What if I make your life worse?
What if I can’t be a good partner?
What if I can’t support you?
What if I won’t be a good mother?
What if I won’t be a good mother?

I know that you feel bad, but I don’t care.
I want you to hurt.
I am broken and it’s going to last.
I’m not over it.
I can’t believe that you have to suppress thoughts like that.
There is so much I want to be for you because I thought you deserve it,
But I don’t feel like that anymore.
I feel like you’re just pretending.
Like the positive things about come to you so hard,
But when it’s time to criticize you’re on it.
Then you comfort me and tell me it’ll all be okay,
You don’t even know what you’re saying.
It won’t be okay.
Yours is the only opinion that really matters and that’s what you think:
I’m going to fail. I’m going to be the problem.
I’m going to ruin everything, but not just that…
That I’m going to do that because I’m with you.
I would be fine if I’m on my own and you are too,
But together I’ll make your life worse and theirs too.
God, do you even know how much that kills me.

But here I am short term memory girl,
Patting your hand and telling you it’s fine.
We’ve got goddaughters to smile for,
I’ve got to help with the party,
Who’s supervising hot potato?
We’re not fine, I don’t want my dream with you anymore.
I’d rather go it alone.

And this’ll be my secret because you’ve no way to read it.

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