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Numb is Worse than Angry

Today it feels different
I don’t want you to hurt
I don’t want to punish you
I’m not mad today, but cold is so much worse.
When you said we’re not okay, you were right
And I don’t want you to feel worse, but that doesn’t change a thing.
I can’t feel your apologies
I can’t feel your praise
I can’t feel you trying to take it back,
All I feel is a reminding stab of pain
All it does is hurt me more
When you talk now,
I don’t even hear you
It’s like I’m numb to you
I don’t know how to fix it
My first instinct was to rebel
Then I needed space so I didn’t say anything I’d regret
Now, I just want to pretend
That everything is okay and move on
If it’s only for a night.
It feels good to play the part
I could lose myself in it
All I need to do now is decide
Decide if that’s what’s really best
Or if I’m just hiding it away
Will it explode tomorrow or the next day?
I don’t know what to do
I’ve never been hurt like this by you
Is it better that I pretend until it changes?
I just don’t know how to heal this
You seem to think maybe we won’t
You seem unsure if we can survive it
You seem to think this can’t be forgiven
You seem to think this is worse than even I think
You seem sorry and self-deprecating, but that doesn’t help
I don’t know what will

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