About me / First love / Life / Love / Romance / Thoughts

Carving into me

” We only love truly once. It is the first time and succeeding passions are less uncontrolled.” ~Du Coeur

I remember that day,
Well flashes of that day.
I saw your face,

And could only imagine mine.
I remember moving so quickly,
And hearing nothing at all,
Then there was blackness,

Everything was burning, me too.
I was burning,
My hand,
My mind, my bed and you.
I wished it were you.
And then I lie there, smiling
I’ve never been so psychotic.
It was deep and heavy and black.
No one, nothing could wake me up.
My skin seared,
When touched with concern.
But when I woke; it was to a new reality.

Next thing I’m digging.
Like a fiend.
They had to be separate from me,
If burning wouldn’t do it,
I’d try everything else I can.

No more treasuring,
I couldn’t handle that.
Pain, I lived with every day.
So I met them in the dark.
That was easy.
I gave up everything I’d worked for in the night.
Everything I had determined.
It was rotten from the inside out.
I had to

Throw it away, my body.
My body? It had to be separate from me,

But it had to be reminded.
So I carved and carved,
Until every step would be a reminder.
But nothing changed.
They’d have to

Hurt me. Hate me. Leave me.
Leave it alone. No questions.
There were no lines.
They’d better pretend.
Refuse and I leave.

Give in and I leave.

Conditions and it’s all because of that day.
That day I started carving into me.

On this blog, I have written about an ex-boyfriend of mine who is very significant in my life. This post was written about the day I realized that he hated me, and wanted nothing more to do with me. I had sent him letters that I had been writing to him and he had returned them to my mother, who had forbidden us to see each other. To me, it was his ultimate symbol of hatred that he would even betray me to my mother. After he did so, I took the letters and all of the pictures and memories of us and set them on fire on my bed. My father found me on the floor, smoke filling the room and completely unresponsive. When I woke up, I buried what hadn’t burned, and began to carve his name into my feet, so I wouldn’t take a step without him.

This poem is about that day and the way it changed me.

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