I wish I could say that I ignored it. I wish that were the truth, but how can I?
It’s not logical.
I can. I have forgotten. I thought I would ignore it now too, but I’m already down today. Why do I get on here to re-read this stuff when I am already down? And why do I have to let it when I’m weakest. It’s so easy to keep it out when I’m happy, which I’ll admit is most of the time.
I don’t even really think about it anymore. Almost like I have to coax it out on the rare occasion that I feel I’ll never get the memory back.
But I’ll admit the red folder still screams at me every time I see it. I can’t ignore it.
I can. I have put it away though. It’s lost somewhere right now, I’m thankful I don’t know where it is. I know when I’m done I’ll go look for it, but I hope I don’t find it. If I find it, I will read it. After all, I’m already down today. And that’s usually when I find it.
I’m so glad I’m alone today. I hate having to deal with people when I’m like this. I just want to wallow. I just want to drown. I want to fill myself up with all the bad, until I overflow. I know that when I do I will fill up with light. I always do now. I’m not pressed down by myself into the darkness anymore. I float with the current and when it drowns me it spits me back out. It has more pity for me, than I ever had for myself. I used to hold on to the bottom -strangle myself down there- but I don’t anymore. There’s nothing in the pain. It’s not beautiful, I tell you. It’s just pain. It doesn’t hold any special meaning. It’s just pain.
That’s it isn’t? It’s all just pain. I’ll never see it any other way. Sometimes I can’t ignore it, but that doesn’t matter. It means nothing. It’s just pain. Just emptiness. It’s just pain, and emptiness, and that’s my lullaby because I’m already down today.