Blogging / Hypocrisy / Life / Love / Thoughts

I can, I have.


I wish I could say that I ignored it. I wish that were the truth, but how can I?

It’s not logical. I can. I have forgotten. I thought I would ignore it now too, but I’m already down today. Why do I get on here to re-read this stuff when I am already down? And why do I have to let it when I’m weakest. It’s so easy to keep it out when I’m happy, which I’ll admit is most of the time.

I don’t even really think about it anymore. Almost like I have to coax it out on the rare occasion that I feel I’ll never get the memory back.

But I’ll admit the red folder still screams at me every time I see it. I can’t ignore it. I can. I have put it away though. It’s lost somewhere right now, I’m thankful I don’t know where it is. I know when I’m done I’ll go look for it, but I hope I don’t find it. If I find it, I will read it. After all, I’m already down today. And that’s usually when I find it.
I’m so glad I’m alone today. I hate having to deal with people when I’m like this. I just want to wallow. I just want to drown. I want to fill myself up with all the bad, until I overflow. I know that when I do I will fill up with light. I always do now. I’m not pressed down by myself into the darkness anymore. I float with the current and when it drowns me it spits me back out. It has more pity for me, than I ever had for myself. I used to hold on to the bottom -strangle myself down there- but I don’t anymore. There’s nothing in the pain. It’s not beautiful, I tell you. It’s just pain. It doesn’t hold any special meaning. It’s just pain.

That’s it isn’t? It’s all just pain. I’ll never see it any other way. Sometimes I can’t ignore it, but that doesn’t matter. It means nothing. It’s just pain. Just emptiness. It’s just pain, and emptiness, and that’s my lullaby because I’m already down today.

Advertisements

Complaints, Compliments and Questions

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s