I find myself searching lately.
Things in my life aren’t what I thought they would turn out to be and I wonder if anything is what I thought it was. My relationships, my faith, my lifestyle. Are any of these things what I really wanted them to be?
I wanted to be honest. I wanted them to be complex and intertwined. I wanted them to reflect who I am and what I believe in, but I’m not sure that they do.
My relationship with my husband is not so much honest as it is devout. I have decided to love him and he, me. But is that what I wanted? Does it matter what I wanted anymore? I am only as honest with him as I think we can stand. Only as honest as I believe that we can weather. But is that really honest at all? Same with my relationships with my friends and family. I only offer as much honesty as I believe our relationship can bear, and sometimes much much less than that to ensure that it remains in good standing. Was I naive to think that I could be honest with the people in my life? How do those relationships reflect who I am? Am I simply a part-time liar? An appeasing, opinion-light, bobblehead? Are my relationships netted together or are they kept separate to ensure that they survive by keeping the separate parts of me separate?
And my faith… I want it to be honest, I do. But to be honest would be to isolate it from the broad spectrum of what I consider myself to be part of. What I believe is pieces of Christianity, and pieces of Buddhism and Islam and Judaism. I believe that they all come from one source and have simply emphasized different aspects of a whole. But that puts me in the heretic column. It’s all or nothing if you want to associate yourself with a particular belief set, and so I’m left out of them all. At least my faith is beginning to approach the honest, interlacing and reflective qualities I’d hoped it would.
And what about my lifestyle? Is it honest, intertwining, and reflective of who I am. In some ways I feel that it is, and in some ways I feel I am putting it off for another day. When I have children, I’ll raise them to serve. When they get older, I’ll teach them the complexities of life. When I have more money, I’ll be able to travel to places so my life can intertwine with others. But if I don’t do that now, who’s to say that I’ll do it later?
I find myself asking these kinds of questions and wondering whether or not my life has taken the right path. I wonder should I give it all up and start to serve others in some dramatic way, or is helping out kids who have mental disorders here enough? What do I expect out of myself? Do I expect that I can be completely honest and people will still like me? Do I expect that I can create my own beliefs and still find acceptance and camaraderie in the wider world? Do I expect that someday down the road my lifestyle will magically reflect my beliefs?
I am in pieces. My faith, my relationships, my life is in pieces. How can I make it whole?