So tonight I had an epiphany. All my life I have worried about what other people think so much that it has kept me from doing things that I really want. Like write.
I realized this when I was sitting in a staff meeting and getting hot under the collar while holding in what I really think, in case I piss someone off. I have been so stressed out lately worrying about what my kids think of me, what the teachers think of me, the psychologists, the parents, my behavioral specialist consultants, the company’s director, my husband, my parents, my co-workers, my ex, my friends everyone but me.
Why am I not worried about what I think about me?
All my life, I have been holding back because of what someone else thought of me. I remember driving around my small town listening to my music loud and feeling so free, but every time I stopped at a red light I would turn it down in case someone from the Church saw me and heard it. For a while, I thought it was Christianity and that church and school that was holding me prisoner. Then, I thought it was that town. But I still turn my music down at red lights.
I’m imprisoning me.
I’m making myself around everyone else.
As I realized this I thought: what do I have that I couldn’t survive losing? I could life through a divorce. I could get another job. I won’t lose my parents. I can get new friends. What I can’t survive losing is myself. How dare I waste my life by not really living my life.
On the way home I ruled my windows down and I played the song “What the Hell” as loud as my stereo would go. I put my hands out the window, I didn’t turn it down, and sang as loud as I could: “All my life I’ve been good, but now what the hell!!!”