Christian Church / Christianity / Hypocrisy / Love / Religion / Sex / Thoughts

My Christian Vagina

I grew up in the Christian church and I went to Christian school all but one year (which I was home schooled for). There is nothing in my life that hasn’t been defined outside of Christianity including my grasp on my own sexuality. When I was sixteen years old, I had boyfriend who pushed me to a breaking point.

It was July 4th. We went to a party with his family and I was allowed to stay the night with a promise from his aunt that I would sleep in her camper. My boyfriend’s dad got drunk though and wanted to go home instead. When Mike, my boyfriend, was driving us back; his dad said that I could stay at their house if I kept it a secret. When he said that, I knew where this was going.

And we were making out and he was everywhere. And things were out of my control, and I was pushing on his shoulders to get him off of me but I wouldn’t call out because I didn’t want to be found out. And when it was over he wrapped his arms around me and I turned away and cried. And you wonder, how could you stay? And they always say: I love him. And I did.
It was more than that. It was gone, and he had all the power. My virginity was the best thing I had to give. It was a big part of my identity. It was supposed to belong to my husband. I was emotional and I felt like I was worthless. He was everything to me in a different way than people usually mean it. He was my only shot at a whole future, at a whole me. And he used it.

Then we did it all the time, and I would cry and blow up at him and say that I was done having sex with him. He would pull out a Bible verse that said that he had to marry me to make it right. And I was a prisoner.  And in a weird way, because he had so much of me, I felt so free with him. I felt slutty, and undeniable. I would do anything with him. But not without self-punishment.

When it was over, my mother had already called me a whore. The whole church already was using me as a cautionary tale. I took out my frustration on my body. I would starve myself. I would cut myself. I wouldn’t sleep for days. After a couple years, I realized he wasn’t mine anymore. He belonged to someone else, and he was going to marry her. I thought: why not deserve what they were saying? I had nothing to lose. And sex got really easy. Until this one guy. He asked too many fucking questions and dug too deep. Somehow he knew what I was going through because of the way I had sex with him. Every time I was about to orgasm, I wouldn’t let myself over the edge. He’d always ask me why I stopped him, why I stopped me and I never had an answer.

Truth is, sex wasn’t mine to enjoy. I was never taught to do it for me. I was never taught to enjoy sex. I was taught that my virginity was what mattered, but not to me – to my husband. But he pushed that. He pushed me emotionally and physically. He didn’t mean anything to me, like everybody else I slept with in those years. But he was the last one who didn’t. What did I want from life? What did want from sex? And believe it or not, I also had to ask myself: how could I save Christianity from this? And talking about it is my start.

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7 thoughts on “My Christian Vagina

  1. Very interesting story. I am looking forward to reading more about your journey. Remember that you are loved by God regardless of your past. He can create us anew and heal our brokenness. I have also been very hurt by the church, but the love of God is bigger than pain. Even if the church rejected you, they are people who have flaws (we have to forgive them). Whereas God would never reject us, because His love is unconditional.

    Just thoughts 🙂
    ~Andrea

  2. This is an amazing post, and painful to read. I’m so sorry to hear how you were treated, from all sides. May God give you wisdom to separate the wheat from the chaff.
    My best wishes to you…

  3. Pingback: Has anti-rape culture gone too far? Duggars, Date-rape nail polish and Demanding attention from middle school boys | Sacred Struggler

  4. Pingback: Has anti-rape culture gone too far? The Duggars, Date Rape Nail Polish, and Demanding Middle School Girls | Sacred Struggler

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