How do you define yourself to others? Do you say, “Hello I’m Fred a Plumber.” Do you say, “Hello, I’m Suzy the Christian.” Do you say, “Howdy, I’m so-and-so’s Mom.” What is your first person identifier? If you think I’m asking because I have an answer already, well I don’t. It would depend on who I’m around. When I’m at work, I say Hello, I’m [client’s] tss.” When I’m out with my husband and I meet his friends I say, “Hello, I’m Gabe’s wife.”
I wish that I could introduce myself always like this: “Hello, my name is _______ and I’m human.” That could let people know right off the bat that I don’t know what I’m doing either. That I’ve no authority over them intellectually. That I’m no more perfect than they are. I wouldn’t have to worry so hard about messing up because they would know: well, she’s human. People could see that, as a human, I am not so different from them. They could immediately know that we have things in common, and that may help us both to not mistreat or fear one another. That could shatter a lot of pretenses that we may have had otherwise.
When I started writing on here I wanted to be honest first. I wanted to say what I wanted and not have to gloss over things because no one will ever know it’s me who wrote it. But now I’m not doing that as well anymore. I’m being careful. When people leave comments I worry about what they will think to my response. I’m worried if my humor, which is sometimes quite off putting, will translate as humor or be taken as insult. I worry that I’m making a bad impression because I have talked about my faith, but don’t curtail other aspects of myself good, bad, or indifferent to save face. I try to make sure what I say is provable should anyone want to butt heads with my opinions. Recently, I even considered taking out the more salacious parts of my blog in case those parts negate my faith to others. But none of that is honest. It is, however, part of who I am. I don’t live on a little island. Other people influence me, whether I like it or not.
So, now I want to come out again and re-introduce myself: I’m Sacred Struggler and I’m human. Now, all I can promise is to strive for wholeness. All I can promise is that I won’t hide away an aspect of my thoughts, on purpose. All I can promise is that I will remain human and will do my best to let you in on what that means for me.
If you read this and take away anything, take away that I am a human first. I am a flawed, angry, ranting, depressed, drinking, praying, meditating, loving, hating, woman-type human. I’m a contradiction but at the same time I’m not. Pieces of who I am surface at different times. It doesn’t mean those pieces aren’t always there. But regardless of what aspect is showing at the time, I’m human. Don’t let me forget it.