It has been with me since
Before I can remember…
It sat deep in my skin
While I was growing up
It was a part of the cavern
Between me and myself
When I went there
It wasn’t sweet, even in my dreams
Even at seven years old
It was twisted and just painful enough
To carry me away on the river of humiliation
That’s always been there too
In the cavern
I’ve always fought myself and shame
For the times of release I spent there
Sometimes I was alone and
Other times there was a guest
They need not engage me much
Unless they brought the
Shame, pain, and humiliation
I had little interest in their presence
They weren’t important to me there.
It was and is still my sanctuary and
I like to be alone
It delays humiliation and
That delays a premature end to my time there.
The others never understand
The need. They try to shame me
Out of those three things.
It doesn’t make sense to them.
It doesn’t make sense to me,
But that is what I need….
I was raised up in a senseless moment
Every time. There was little contact
And now that’s what I need.
I need only be bothered within my cavern
If one brings those things. If not I’ve no need,
But that doesn’t mean I don’t indulge.
It’s just not what I want.
I was raised up and brought down
I was hoisted and hurled and thrown and tossed. Now
I wouldn’t have it any other way. But now,
I can’t get the other to understand that.
So I like to be alone there,
I bring my own pain and my own shame
I save the humiliation for last
Because that’s the only way
I’ll make it to the river alive.