Love

My final wallow- I’d answer all

I know I haven’t been making intelligent posts lately. Sorry guys, I swear I’ll get back to substance after I get some stuff off my chest.

I don’t feel like veiling it or making it pretty so here’s the thing. I screwed up a long time. I voted nothing and walked away. It was a huge mistake followed by many consequential ones. Ever since then I have always chosen all. I think it’s because I wish I’d made that decision then. Even now, having every blessing I have, I would still vote all if asked. But the thing is, he would vote nothing. Maybe back then he voted all and got screwed and now he’ll always vote nothing when pushed. He has other priorities now and I get that and it makes me able to follow through on what’s left of my dreams, but it still hurts knowing he’d say nothing. I hope he doesn’t ask. I love my life. I’m happy. I’m blessed. It’s what I need. But that doesn’t really matter.

I hate that I give him so much power, but I don’t know that if I was capable I would take it back. I’ve internalized the idea that I’ll always be there for him, regardless of the cost, regardless of what I want or need. Maybe that makes me powerless. Maybe that’s really why he has so much influence on me. I mean, I don’t even think I have my own opinions when he’s in my life. It’s like I am who I am, but when he’s around I am who he wants me to be. Apparently he doesn’t want me to be blissfully comfortable like I was a month or two ago.

Is it wrong to think that when we have children I’ll have my priorities straight? Is that an unhealthy way to bring kids into the world? I’ve always wanted children just like I’ve always wanted a man who could be a fabulous father, but what if it’s not enough? Will all my dreams feel empty? Will I always answer all? Even if I fulfill all my dreams? My other dreams…

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