Family / First love / Life / Love

Marriage: Strong only if 100% honest?

When my ex told me that he hadn’t moved on from me and still loved me, I thought that he hid that from his wife. Then when he told me that she knows everything even the fact that she’ll never be the one to him, I got so angry. I can’t imagine a deeper hell than spending your life with someone who you know doesn’t love you as much as someone else, but has consented to do right by you. I yelled at him for it. But was I wrong?

I mean they seem to have it worked out very well. She seems happy and when I talk with her, she seems well settled in her life. Their relationship seems strong. He’s told me that she knows all his dreams and desires. It seems healthy. He encouraged me to have the same relationship with my husband, but I declined to take advice from him concerning my marriage. That’s what my husband and I agreed upon when I began talking with Mike; that I would not share our problems and that I would not take marital advice from him. But now I can’t help but wonder, is a marriage only truly strong if both parties are 100% honest?

The truth is, in my marriage, I’ve only been as honest as I think we can stand. I vowed a long time ago that I would not plays games or otherwise put our relationship at stake  for my own peace of mind. So, is it wrong of me to keep to myself the fact that I still and always will love Mike though I’ll never act on it? Can’t I just bear the pain alone and give Gabe a fantastic marriage and happiness untainted by something he needs not know? Or does my marriage suck because I bury that part of me? If he asks, I would not lie. Am I lying still?

I wonder what she wants… Does she wish he’d never told her? Is she hurt like I imagine? Is she looking for a way out like I would be? Is she glad that she knows? I wish I could ask her. Maybe I’ll grow some balls and do it. Maybe not.

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9 thoughts on “Marriage: Strong only if 100% honest?

        • The difficulty is I’ve fixed the behaviors, but the thoughts are not fixable. Are you supposed to tell your spouse every time you’ve thought about cheating with someone else, though you know full well you’d not act on it? You can’t help the thoughts that pass through your mind, but you can fix how you handle them. Right?

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          • True, quite true. You can’t tell your spouse every single thing that goes through your head because you cannot control them.
            However, Romans 12:2 says that our minds can be renewed. Only Jesus can do that, of course, but it gives hope. Humans may be able to fix behaviors, but Jesus is able to fix the things that CAUSE the behaviors.
            I was addicted to pornography. You can imagine my mind was a minefield of disaster. Finally, I got some help and let God transform me from the inside out. It took a good while with plenty of relapses, but here I am.
            Don’t worry if you can’t fix everything. God’s a lot bigger, and he’s perfectly cool with doing the dirty work.

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  1. You should probably tell him but I don’t think it makes your marriage bad either.

    I wasn’t over my ex when I began dating my fiancé 4 years ago, but I was up front and honest about it and he understood that some days – I needed to be allowed to talk about him without him fussing. And I did. My fiancé’s understanding of the situation is something that allowed me to heal from hurt I’d carried. He knew I still loved my ex but I’d never be back with him. But, in time, that love I had for my ex faded.

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    • Yeah, I was upfront with him about to the extent of giving him everything I’d been writing. So he knows all about it. I just haven’t brought it up to say that nothing has changed and I don’t think it will. I mean, it’s been like eight years. It’s not like I haven’t tried everything, including begging God and being extremely positive about my marriage. I know how lucky I am and I wouldn’t want to be with my ex. But it’s still there under it all. The love.

      I guess it’s really about my writing. I really want someone to want to know me enough to demand or take the time to get to know me by reading what I write. The only person who’s ever done that actually is my ex’s wife. Whom I have a ton of respect for. I don’t want to beg them, I want them to want to know me more deeply. Like Jen Aniston in The Break Up.

      I feel like I’m in therapy. 🙂 Thanks guys!

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  2. I can’t find the reply button to the individual thoughts – you CAN find ways to stop those thoughts but those thoughts are usually a symptom of a bigger issue. Like not being able to express your deeper emotions about your ex to your husband. (Or something else.idk you people. Lol)

    You can treat the symptom by consciously changing your mind when the topic arises and reminding yourself that you married THIS man and THIS man is who you need to think about.

    That being said – you should probably treat the disease and figure out why you even long for something/someone else? What exactly is it you’re missing about your ex? Find it with your husband. Or find something better with your husband.

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