Christian Church / Christianity / Religion

“The Church is a Whore, but she’s my Mother.” -Tony Campolo

What is love really?

How long do you hold on to it because you’re supposed to love it even if it hurts? When you find that you don’t need it anymore what does that mean? Was your love ever really real? How can you love something unconditionally and yet make sure that it is nourishing you and not tearing you down? Does it end? Does it ever really go away?

I find it so hard to go back and I’m glad that he respects that, but I feel so empty without it. Like it’s my fault. Like I was too picky. Like I just didn’t love the way I should. I wonder if it matters that I am talking in past tense.

There is so much in my future with this complex and sometimes devastating love. I want to have a refining affect, but I don’t know if I can stand to stick around long enough to do that in a healthy way for myself. I feel my faith in a parallel way so strongly. Why can’t that love be enough? Is it? I am being tested I think. Can I love like Him? I feel like I am on the right path except for this one thing, and it’s really not small.

I haven’t been able to let it go though. Even though we’ve walked away and I know he’s waiting for me to tell him we should try again, I feel torn. I don’t want to go back, but there’s a hole in our lives. I shudder to think how I will try to fill it. I’m just not as dedicated as he is, or maybe I can’t stand to be so disappointed again. Maybe I’m more dedicated than he is. I mean, if I go back it will be out of undeniable love. It will be for a battle. I’ll go back in armor.

There is so much restraint there though. Can it really be real like that? When I’m reading at night and something resonates, my voice just opens. I read with abandon, and react in the same way. There is evaluation there but it doesn’t mean I walk away feeling hurt if there is something wrong. I walk into that place on my guard completely. I have to protect myself, and even that hurts. I just want to love with abandon there too. I want to give it up, and trust myself there too. I don’t want to walk away hurt from there, but I do. It may take a couple weeks, but it’s always been the same. I can’t help but think it will always be that way. I’ll always be walking out to cry in the parking lot.

The only thing I know I’ll have as long as I stick to it is that I will never stop being shocked. I will always be hurt. I won’t callous over. That would be the real tragedy. The day I stop feeling it is the day I lose myself completely. That’s the day the love’s officially over.

First Published August 19, 2012

It stills weighs on my mind. How blurry the lines…

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2 thoughts on ““The Church is a Whore, but she’s my Mother.” -Tony Campolo

  1. Not sure if I like this because a part of me is relieved that someone else is going through the same thing or if it’s that much more painful because someone else is going through the same thing. Ugh…

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