I bought a bottle of red wine this week. I’m not pregnant like I thought I was; just very very late. Tonight I started looking at the Peace Corps. It’s been a dream of mine since I was a little girl, that and being a feminist. But I think it’s a dream I’ll never see. I’m married after all. I’ve given up some of those dreams. I had to realize that the hard way again tonight.
I found a fantastic opportunity and ran downstairs to tell my husband. His only response was, “Yeah, because I got married to spend time away alone. Great.” Granted he was speaking before thinking, it still struck me hard. He’s right. I’ve given up those kinds of opportunities by getting married young. It’s not ever going to be in my cards now. I only look for those kinds of opportunities when I feel like my wheels are turning. Right now I feel like I am peddling my bike down a long white hallway. I know theoretically that I am moving forward, but I can see no progress. I’m just letting my life pass me by while we hope for children. What if I can’t have kids and all this time has been wasted. I have put off my master’s and ruled out many opportunities that I would push for if I knew I wasn’t going to be having children soon. Should I have done that? Should I just forget practicality and go for my master’s while we try though the bills would be astronomical if I didn’t start working right when they came due?
And do I really have to give up all those dreams I’ve had forever? Do I really have to go only where he can find a job? Where our parents can see our potential kids? Did I really give up adventure? Will I have to pay to serve from now on?
I’m on that bike in that hallway and I just want to know that I am on a path. I don’t have to know which one necessarily, but I do want to know that I am on the path. This coming year, I want to be on a path. Like when I was young. There was always direction and goals. For the New Year that what I want: a change in scenery, any change just so I can know I’m moving. I don’t want to stall here for another year.