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The Danger must be Growing for the Rowers keep on Rowing.

2005-barefootI bought a bottle of red wine this week. I’m not pregnant like I thought I was; just very very late. Tonight I started looking at the Peace Corps. It’s been a dream of mine since I was a little girl, that and being a feminist. But I think it’s a dream I’ll never see. I’m married after all. I’ve given up some of those dreams. I had to realize that the hard way again tonight.

I found a fantastic opportunity and ran downstairs to tell my husband. His only response was, “Yeah, because I got married to spend time away alone. Great.” Granted he was speaking before thinking, it still struck me hard. He’s right. I’ve given up those kinds of opportunities by getting married young. It’s not ever going to be in my cards now. I only look for those kinds of opportunities when I feel like my wheels are turning. Right now I feel like I am peddling my bike down a long white hallway. I know theoretically that I am moving forward, but I can see no progress. I’m just letting my life pass me by while we hope for children. What if I can’t have kids and all this time has been wasted. I have put off my master’s and ruled out many opportunities that I would push for if I knew I wasn’t going to be having children soon. Should I have done that? Should I just forget practicality and go for my master’s while we try though the bills would be astronomical if I didn’t start working right when they came due?

And do I really have to give up all those dreams I’ve had forever? Do I really have to go only where he can find a job? Where our parents can see our potential kids? Did I really give up adventure? Will I have to pay to serve from now on?

I’m on that bike in that hallway and I just want to know that I am on a path. I don’t have to know which one necessarily, but I do want to know that I am on the path. This coming year, I want to be on a path. Like when I was young. There was always direction and goals. For the New Year that what I want: a change in scenery, any change just so I can know I’m moving. I don’t want to stall here for another year.

8 thoughts on “The Danger must be Growing for the Rowers keep on Rowing.

  1. So I am going to play the grim thinker and give you some advice that I wish someone had given me. Think ahead and try to determine what will haunt you when you look back at your life, because the time is going to come when the “what ifs”, and “coulda, woulda, shoulda” are going to be whirling around in your thoughts. It is the rite of passage into middle age when we take stock of our lives and what we have accomplished/foregone.
    We all regret some of the choices we made in our past and wonder what if we had taken a different path. But mourning lost dreams may be the worse feeling, because a tipping point will come when the dream is still desirable but no longer possible. So think about what you really, really want.


    • I thank you for your advice. That is what I am trying hard to do. I would never forgive myself for living life without children. But I don’t want to waste what could be the best years of my life taking temperatures and having scheduled sex. That’s a waste.
      I will keep thinking and asking myself what I really really want. I value your counsel, thank you.


  2. From personal experience (being married, and having 3 small children), we have done PLENTY of temperature taking and scheduled sex. In fact, all 3 kids, and me, have been sick the last week… But, why consider that a waste of life? You shouldn’t. Like most things, there are good aspects, and not-so-good aspects. It just depends on how you view it all. Just the other day, my 5 year old son, out of the blue said to me “I love you Dad.” Things like that, if I let it, destroy the bad aspects of fatherhood.

    I am starting to think that we have lost touch with what really matters in life, and what we see as being worth, and not worth, or time. Who says that these next 10-20 years are the best years of your life? Yes you will be younger now than later, but that doesn’t mean life won’t be as good. Life could be far, far better in fact later on – you have you real way to know. Life is what you make it, and how you choose to view it.

    In terms of God in all of this too – He knows that kids are a lot of work. That’s how he made it. He knows it makes sex more difficult because of the increased lack of privacy and being tired from all the effort of kids. I’ve seen a horse being birthed. Within an hour or two, it’s already up and walking. Human babies are the one exception in life – they need lots and lots of care and training, for a very long time. It’s part of the design. Godliness can still be found in the routines of raising children, doing dishes and laundry, cleaning up messes, etc. There’s no reason the only times of spiritual growth have to come from times of prayer and scripture reading.

    I don’t think there is one specific route to take through life. You make the best of what comes. Regret rarely helps, and the only time it does is when you use it to help yourself make a better decision for the future.

    I hope you soon see some non-white doors/windows/artwork/etc. in the hall you are currently in.


    • I meant the temperature taking and scheduled sex that comes with not being able to conceive. Kids would Never be a waste of life. But the stress we women feel when trying to conceive is a lot when it doesn’t happen. Scheduling sex around ovulation isn’t ideal and maybe it’s forcing what isn’t supposed to happen then. Kids would a Huge blessing. But if it isn’t mine to have right now, I wish I wouldn’t waste the intermin.


  3. Dear Struggler, My heart breaks for you and I remember so well the pain and frustration of not being able to get pregnant. It became such an obsession in my life that when it finally happened I did not want to be touched, having accomplished my goal of getting pregnant. Needless to say my husband did not share these feelings! We have 2 children now, our oldest will be 34 soon. Looking back over our years together we realized that what we thought were years of not doing God’s work were really years of getting us ready to do His work. We thought we would wait until the kids were out of high school and on their own we could begin . Instead we were told by God and a fellow teacher to move out in faith while we had the opportunity so we left home and family for a year of teaching in NZ. Daughter in high school and son in middle school. It was to begin God’s process of getting us ready for more intense mission work which followed a few years later.
    We have learned to not sit and wait on God, but to step out, it may not be on the right path but it is a step and from there He will show you where to go. it is a promise He has made to all of us but it is not a green line that appears in your kitchen like in the commercial. It is a daily seeking His guidance and direction and listening for Him.
    Please don’t put you life on hold waiting for children, God has so much for you. Go for short term mission trips, trust me you don’t have to go for an extended mission just to help someone. Nor do you have to leave the country. Your dream of Peace Corp is quite possibly not what God wanted you to do but is a reflection of your desire to simply want to serve God by helping others in desperate need. The blessing of children will come, maybe not in the way of biological children but it will come and they will be such a fulfillment and joy in your lives. This will be my prayer for you. PJC


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