BDSM: A return to traditional roles?

Thanks to  Fifty Shades of Grey, there has been a big spotlight on BDSM lately. I haven’t taken a real interest in it, not having read the book myself, until I read “The Joy of Submission” as told to Erin Zammett Ruddy in Marie Claire about a woman who sexually empowered herself in a maledom relationship. She describes herself as a “proud feminist” and someone who would never let a man hurt her. But this is not what intrigues me.  What intrigues me is the dynamics of their long distance relationship. She describes how he speaks to her on the phone and on Skype maintaining control of her in any way he can.

“With 500 miles between us, we’re in contact over e-mail, text, and Skype. Because BDSM is about so much more than just sex, Doug can still be my Dom from afar, focusing more on psychological control. Or he won’t speak to me because, with the distance, it’s one of the only ways I can feel the sting of his decision.”

The way she speaks about their relationship is how I have heard many women in my women’s studies courses talk about traditional marriage being. The idea of total control being in his hands. But she talks about it in a romantic caressing kind of way. When she talks about their safe word and the trust required to sustain such a relationship, she seems listless.

“People who aren’t in the BDSM world think that Doms and subs are broken people. Subs supposedly have no backbone, have daddy issues. Subs are not doormats. In a D/s relationship, you need to trust another human being in ways that are rarely explored. A Dom is intoxicated by someone who is willing to trust him or her that much. A sub is intoxicated by the surrender — and not because he or she is weak. A sub is willing to go to a place many people do not, or cannot, go. The physical pain is just a small part of it. And surviving it, enduring it, is a feat. I know it’s weird, but I feel like if I can do that, I can do anything.”

Traditional marriage, as it is very often described, requires all the non-sexual aspects of a BDSM relationship. These aspects of complete trust, and true empowerment are often the things that we hear from those women who choose to put themselves into traditional marriage relationship. Has marriage lost it’s intoxication because of the lack of this D/s kind of chemistry in the non-sexual aspects? Is this complete trust and obedience the glue that creates the intense emotional connection that she describes?

We all know marriage is not the permanent institution it used to be. People go into it in a different way. They no longer need each the way that they used to. We can be self-sufficient. We can support ourselves. We don’t actually need the other person. Perhaps that’s why so many of our marriages fall apart. Maybe that need created by having someone who depends completely on you or someone who completely controls you creates a bond that does last.

Read more: BDSM Pros and Cons – Why Fifty Shades of Grey Is Addictive – Marie Claire