I went to a different church this Sunday. The ad in the paper said that it was an interracial, intercultural, international church. If twenty people in a borrowed sanctuary can be interracial, intercultural, and international, then I suppose they qualify. The Bishop was quite enthusiastic. Though there was absolutely no need they gave a mic with two large and mounted speakers to blare out his message on 1 Corinthians 1: 1-3; 26-31. He kept talking about being called to be saints of Christ and about how we shouldn’t condemn people because we used to be trapped by sin as well. He then began repeating “Praise God for changing our lives. Praise God if you know what it is to be trapped in sin and to have God rescue you. Praise God if you remember how hopeless you were.”
In the car, I turned to my husband and asked him if he ever felt that he got saved to young. He said that he does. And I do too. I know nothing but this life. I was saved when I was five years old. All my dark times happened while I was already saved. I struggle with depression, with sin, with anger right now. I don’t know what it is not to be saved. I wonder if my faith would be stronger if I knew what it was like to not know God. To have felt some kind of salvation. But how deep in sin could a five year old be?? And I mean, all my life my family, those around me, my husband’s family, everyone has expected more from me because I am saved. They think that I should be less inclined to do the things they did. That I should be above their sins, their depression. I’m so tired of it all.
I don’t remember feeling Christ renew my heart and mind. I don’t remember feeling lost in sin. I resent God allowing me to feel depression while I am saved and have prayed my heart out to God. Everything they expected of me: I expected God to give to me. I expected God to make sin less appealing, to make depression nearly impossible. And God has disappointed me in the process. Forgive my childish cry, but it’s not fair. Not to me and not to God. God came to give us life more abundant: that means the ups and the downs, the wholeness of life… more abundant. As a Christian, I am not above sin; but I still have to wonder…. am I supposed to be? And if I had experience of being a slave to sin, would my life as a Christian be more fulfilling, more faith-full?