Blogging / Christian Church / Faith / First love / Thoughts

Can’t forgive the Deacons and other Vipers

But Pastor can.

Pastor who they pushed out without his pension. Who they accused of being mentally unstable. Whose marriage cracked and fell apart once they turned him out. he can forgive them and return to that very same church. How can serve again there?

It was almost ten years ago that I left that church hurt and angry for him and for my father. To this day, I haven’t forgiven Christianity or them. They are still getting in the way of my faith. And as I think about it, I wonder if I’m incapable of forgiveness. Incapable of forgiving them, the Bible, Christianity, myself. And my ex told me to give it up. That faith is not possible when you gain knowledge,  but I can’t I told him. It’s as much a part of me as he is. Connected to the core of who I am because they helped me build who I am. So, I can’t give my faith up. But I worry that I’ll never feel at home in it again. He told me I never will, and maybe he’s right. Maybe I should accept the fact that Christianity may never feel like home again though I love it and though it tears me apart. And that’s another thing they’ve always had in common. Their own building blocks are the only thing that can really crumble a person after all.

I feel like I should go to the church and visit him. Ask him how he came to terms with all the things they said. Ask if perhaps he’s there because he feels like I do, that the only way to get to his faith back was to take it by force from them. Ask if he’s over it.

It’s strange what a mentor can really mean to you, and what they take from your life when lost.

And it’s puzzling that I could blame a faith for their failures


Full back story at I am a C. I am a Ch. I am a Church Hater.

10 thoughts on “Can’t forgive the Deacons and other Vipers

  1. Whether a Christian or not, forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling. You agree consciously to let things go, even if they still sting–or flat out burn like fire. Emotions will come back, of course, and what do you do? Forgive again. It’s a process, a decision or a number of them, depending (it sounds like yours may be many).
    Don’t say you can never forgive. You’ll only murder yourself slowly and painfully. I think you’ve got a little too much to offer the world for that.


  2. That’s very sad to hear. 😦 Church should feel like a family – yet often times it feels like the opposite.

    I myself have had a pastor say something very judgmental about me and my family and it was so hard for me to understand how something so harsh could come out of a pastor’s (and spiritual leader’s) mouth.

    I had to work on forgiving him because I realized that it only hurt me to keep holding on to the grudge and let it stand in the way of how I see other leaders in the church, Christianity, and God.

    Sometimes we have to do what God tells us to: forgive those who have hurt us many times over again and by doing so we will at least set ourselves free (and hopefully the pain will go with time).


  3. I wish I had more of the story so I could understand even better, but from the little I have, I can relate in that I have been hurt by the church as well. What has recently changed me more than anything is to see the Kingdom of God rise up in the city in which I live as opposed to just the church building where I worship.

    Forgiveness and pain is much harder than the person who wrote you to just make a decision. They are right in a way, but so far disconnected from reality that it is a little annoying. Exclusion and Embrace by Miroslav Volf is a good read, maybe the best modern read on the subject.

    My advice is to seek the KOG and let the worries of the smaller institutional church be background noise until you feel called or have to encounter the other. I’m not sure what size town you live in, but there is no problem going to a different local church. Your soul and its healing is more important the working through the issues of a local congregation that maybe so self absorbed that they miss the gospel completely.

    This advice may be well off base since I don’t have enough of the story, but I have felt connected to your journey for some time and really wish you the best. I hope that whatever the situation you will find peace and grace to extend in whatever manner so that your soul can thrive.

    The questions you ask, tell me that there is something special in you that people need to experience. Thanks for sharing your journey, sorry for the rambling lots of drugs today.



    • Andrew, just for you I added a link to the story. I have written about it before, but I believe it was before we found each other.

      You did fine. I am trying to seek God and let the church fall into place. My husband and I have been looking for about five years. We have taken months off sometimes and others we have gone to a different one every Sunday. We’ve found a couple that we’ve stayed with for while then either the pastor left or something crazy happened. It’s been crazy.

      Right now, I am trying to isolate my faith from the church. It seems it’s been based on the institution rather than on who God is. That’s not healthy.

      I hope you are holding up okay my friend. My heart goes out to you.
      With Love,


  4. I can really relate to your post. I have been a very spiritually-minded person for 20 years (since I was 19) and have been devoted to Jesus Christ and Scripture for the past 15 or so. But, the church is absolutely killing me! It’s so hard to separate my simple faith and spirituality from all the politics, empathy, and everything else I’m constantly faced with in the church. I had hoped that being part of a church would bring strength through like-minded fellowship with others like me. I have found that not to be the case. I have found myself feeling very isolated because I don’t feel like anyone is really that serious about it. But, I guess there was Elijah who felt the same and God told him that there were 7000 others even though he didn’t know it. I would give you the same advice I constantly give myself… Hang in there and do your best to make a difference.


  5. Came upon this sort of “by accident”, but feel compelled to speak. The institution, which builds buildings, oversees pastors, has meetings and writes constitutions and rule books is NOT the Church, despite putting that word out front. It is possible (though unlikely) for a congregation to have no followers of Jesus at all, but still look religious. Jesus followers do not build, but do practice servant leadership, live the Bible, and are known by their love for each other (John 13:34-35). So, whatever the facade which culture demands or rewards, Paraclete (Spirit) is not necessarily present. The proof is in the love. Abuse, power-over, letter of human law and obedience to human structure show Jesus isn’t there.
    The Way of Jesus (as it’s called in Acts) is simpler, serving God not itself. Pray for their souls; it may be that is the issue.
    Biblical forgiveness is releasing their responsibility to us and turning it to God. I want people to behave, but I do not have that power even if I think so. Release from that makes me free to serve Jesus without obsessing about something else (hurt, rules, injustice, etc, all important, but not more important than Creator). Forgiveness heals us, and maybe them. It does not let them off the hook; it just means they do not, will not direct my thoughts or soul!
    May you find peace and be a channel of peace even in the great storms of life.


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