As much as I tried not to be, I ended up like my Mom. We both have a tendency to over do it. Throw ourselves in way over our head and self-punish when we fail. I used to think I’d be an alcoholic. My mother and her father were both alcoholics. In fact, my grandfather used to brag that my Mom could chug a beer with a raw egg in it at the age of five. She was so pleased that it became her morning ritual: a beer with a raw egg. Sometimes when she decided she quit drinking, she’d turn to church. It’s another type of high. She’d throw herself in and lose herself in planning things like VBS, or helping with visitation, or janitorial duties. She’d ride the high of being depended on and once they turned on her (which you know they always do), she’d crash and burn. Then, I’d find the bottles. Or she’d start getting harder to wake up and be slurring her words. Sometimes, she’d sleep wander and say things that made no sense at all. Once she got a hold of herself, we’d switch churches and start the cycle again.
Right now, I’ve cut the church part of the swing out or my life. I don’t swing down if I didn’t swing up. Liquid church and wordpress is enough for me. It really is. I am challenged by the people on here and liquid gives me things to write about to be challenged on. But just because I’m okay without it, doesn’t mean that I don’t desperately want it. I do. I desperately want to be a part of that family, that community; but not if it will tear me and my faith down.