I have lived in this city for five years. I’ve spent the day to day going to school or work and keeping up with my house and my marriage. But here’s the thing. I never moved in. All my friends are actually Gabe’s friends and try as I might I can’t seem to get friendships of my own off the ground. All the places I go are Gabe’s places, or work’s places. I don’t have any of my own. I look out my bedroom window and I see a huge box of a building and I can’t see God anywhere in it. At church, I feel like I’m the only one who can think critically and wants to be mentally and spiritually challenged, rather than a review lesson on pop eschatology. At home, I couldn’t even find the tape today. I don’t know where Gabe keeps it. As I’m looking for it, I find a drawer of his completely filled with coins. And I’m looking in this drawer and thinking, how did I not know he had this and why in the world does he? I’m not even home in my own home. When I moved in, I didn’t move anything around. I just unpacked my stuff and put it in where there was empty space. I still have stuff in boxes. When we made changes he drew them up and basically said whatever you want. And that has been my habit ever since. Just point it out.
It feels like I am alone in this place. More alone than I have ever felt before because I have shut off myself. My standards are strict; my failings unforgivable; my life out of my hands. it’s because it is. I never wanted to stay here. I’ve always hated PA and I hate the city. I need trees and space and hills and mystery to believe in God in the day to day. We don’t talk about anything except the menial and once in a while what I am writing about politically or religiously. And I lose myself in my schedule. From client to client, school to school and home to home; I’m spending my time living in the in-between spaces.
Lately, I’ve been having a hard time. When the days all blend together into a blur, it all feels so pointless, like a waste. And turning twenty-five has brought to light all the things that I wanted to do with my life that I haven’t. Kids just aren’t happening. I don’t want to get stressed out by trying to have sex everyday because at the end of the month, every month, I’d feel like I had lost something. And it’s not happening. For two years, it hasn’t been happening. Grad school is conditional on my decisions surrounding kids. When I decided to try for kids, I decided to let go of grad school. Priorities right? But now two years have gone by and I could have been done. Two years wasted. And even more difficult is the magic in my life. That magic wholeness that I feel so sporadically is coming from another place entirely. From far away. And sometimes I want to follow it away. Lately I’ve been thinking of following it away.
I’ve been down and everyone has noticed. I can’t help it. For a while, I could hide it, but now it’s winning. God, it’s scary to say that- but it’s true; it’s winning. I know what I look like. A zombie walking through my life, but I can’t change it. Sometimes I can get over it, but others I just can’t. I just don’t want to. I am not doing well and I’m tired of pretending otherwise. So after discussing this with my husband, he and I have decided that I need to go away. I am going away. And I’m thinking Crater Lake will heal me. There’s nothing that can bring me back to life like water and pure creation immersion. Maybe time with God’s creations will mean time with God, and renewal. I need to be renewed and my prayers aren’t being heard here. It’s time for me to follow me away. And who knows if I’m coming back.