Blogging / Life / Thoughts

“It’s not you; it’s me.” When you mean it.

You’re amazing
You’re my light
You are everything I’m not
You humble me

fake-smileAnd by humble I really mean it. You’re perfection and I see it everyday. And I work so hard to keep up with you, but I am so exhausted. I am exhausted from trying to be perfect in everything I’m not. I don’t even want to be this person let alone a perfect version of her. Where did I go? When you lose yourself, where do you go? I’ve not been feeling anything lately. I know that when I go away this summer I’ll will think and feel so much it may kill me, so I put it off right now. I’m just drifting along. I don’t feel happy or sad, or confused or angry. I don’t feel anything at all. I find myself staring a lot lately. It’s not fascination. I’ve shut down. It’s like my whole life is on autopilot. Like I’m driving through my whole life right now. I’m not taking anything in. Just staring, not seeing. Just quiet, not listening. And I’m tumbling along. But I don’t think anyone really notices. Gabe does sometimes, but my robot me is very happy seeming. Hollowly cheerful. Giving it all away, but not allowing to feel the return. And it’s all my fault.

You’re not too perfect.
You don’t put me down much
You don’t make me feel worthless

You don’t make me feel at all. It’s me. I make myself feel. I make myself feel unworthy, unlovable. Unable to match your amazing-ness. Unable to be as perfect as you are. And I punish myself. You don’t do it. I do it. I don’t know how to stop being so hard on myself. And it rubs off. I am angry at myself and I take it on you, until recently anyway. Recently, I’ve been a smiling cheerful robot wife/tss/friend. The smile touchs both corners, but never my eyes. It just doesn’t reach the point of sincerity. And I turn away before you notice. I hope I turned away before you noticed.

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2 thoughts on ““It’s not you; it’s me.” When you mean it.

  1. Well put. Sometimes I feel this way, too. Thankfully, the times are becoming less and less frequent.

    “I hope I turned away before you noticed.” That ripped my heart out. Do you ever wish they did notice – and cared enough to inquire?

    \o/

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