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It’s time for my Self to Die

Pastor’s sermon was talking about family. Family and all the things that can tear it apart. I was sitting there looking up at him and barely breathing waiting to see the reason that mine feels so shaky, and he hit it on the head. I’ve been seeing all these things that have been speaking up to me. They’ve been telling me that I’m foolish. Happy or Holy, which so I want my marriage to be? Selfish or selfless? Running the race as if there’s a finish or running because running is all I can do? And as I’m sitting there, I realize I am being selfish. I want to travel. I want to do something great. I want to go and be and write and see. I want to really live while I can. But that’s what I want. All my goals and dreams and hopes and wishes, they’re all selfish. I have to give them up. They aren’t going to happen. I have chosen this life and it’s time for me to show it. It’s time for me to grow the hell up. He’s what they’ll need. My children will need him and I will too. He may not be the fulfillment of my dreams and I may give them all up, but in the end that’s what is right. Isn’t it? It’s what is due. He will always support me, and treat me well. He will be a wonderful father. He is everything on my list of courting requirements and that should be enough. And that will be enough as soon as I can shake myself out of my dream world. We are staying here. We will always live close to our families. He will be in job until he retires because it’s a good job. We’ll save our pennies and maybe eventually get to travel when our kids (should we have them) are grown. I don’t need to be what I dreamt I’d be. I have to let it go. I have to let me go. And whatever the cost, I’ll control my thoughts.

Whatever the cost.

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2 thoughts on “It’s time for my Self to Die

  1. Life is more than being selfless. Compromise is key, but giving up everything will only hurt everybody. God has a unique calling for you, and whatever that calling is, will be attainable in the right marriage. He will need to compromise too. Having kids (normally) changes us into being less selfish, but in the end – kids need parents who follow their own dreams too.

  2. It’s good to give up selfish desires for the sake of your family. Still, be careful about killing your dreams. Make sure there’s a bigger dream behind every dream you kill. And try to see what dreams still work in the spectrum of reality.
    God doesn’t just honor people who squash their desires to serve everybody else’s. And as SFriant said, both sides need to compromise.
    Still, I see where your heart is and it is good. Our selfishness must indeed die. But talk to God and find out what dreams HE has for you. I promise they’re way bigger than anything you’ve ever dreamed.

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