Pastor’s sermon was talking about family. Family and all the things that can tear it apart. I was sitting there looking up at him and barely breathing waiting to see the reason that mine feels so shaky, and he hit it on the head. I’ve been seeing all these things that have been speaking up to me. They’ve been telling me that I’m foolish. Happy or Holy, which so I want my marriage to be? Selfish or selfless? Running the race as if there’s a finish or running because running is all I can do? And as I’m sitting there, I realize I am being selfish. I want to travel. I want to do something great. I want to go and be and write and see. I want to really live while I can. But that’s what I want. All my goals and dreams and hopes and wishes, they’re all selfish. I have to give them up. They aren’t going to happen. I have chosen this life and it’s time for me to show it. It’s time for me to grow the hell up. He’s what they’ll need. My children will need him and I will too. He may not be the fulfillment of my dreams and I may give them all up, but in the end that’s what is right. Isn’t it? It’s what is due. He will always support me, and treat me well. He will be a wonderful father. He is everything on my list of courting requirements and that should be enough. And that will be enough as soon as I can shake myself out of my dream world. We are staying here. We will always live close to our families. He will be in job until he retires because it’s a good job. We’ll save our pennies and maybe eventually get to travel when our kids (should we have them) are grown. I don’t need to be what I dreamt I’d be. I have to let it go. I have to let me go. And whatever the cost, I’ll control my thoughts.
Whatever the cost.