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(Not) Powerful Enough

I thought I had the power over this. I thought that it would all just go away. But everything did. Every hope and dream. Every wish and goal. But even more than that. Every emotion and inclination. He says I’m faking it all, and the love has gone. He’s telling me to go to a psychologist and see if I need meds to bring back what I feel when I’m awake in this life. But it’s all gone. He told me that I can’t try hard enough. And that he remembers what a mess I was when we got together. I insisted that I just need time to readjust to being this version of myself, but it’s not enough. He’s never had to watch my dead eyes every day for months, and I can’t figure out how to get back there. I keep saying I’m fine, I’ll be fine, but that just doesn’t seem to be enough for him. As for me, I don’t feel anything right now. There ‘s no concern in me for where we’re going. I don’t feel sad, or angry or happy or jealous. I don’t feel a thing. The trying to is exhausting. When your smile isn’t sincere, keeping the corners up feels like a job. But I’m trying. I’m trying to accept this and to do what everyone needs. I don’t feel like I need anything anymore. This is my life. I am not free anymore. My dreams are not what guides my life. I need to just fall into the role that I have chosen. I need to work until I come alive in this reality, and if I don’t I’ll not feel a thing.

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16 thoughts on “(Not) Powerful Enough

  1. I pray that my Jesus, the one I know, the one I love more than life, the one that loved me more than He loved His own life, will become your Jesus too.
    Look to the Jesus we find in the Bible instead of Christians we know, because He is the only one you will find has nothing wrong with Him.
    When life leaves us with nothing ,we may come to realise that Jesus Christ is everything.
    Jesus does love you, and my Sister, so do I.
    We have never met, but you qualify simply because we are all created in God’s image, in some way, and Christ died for all of us as proof of God’s love.
    And I love Him because He first loved me.
    So yes, I love you also.
    My Jesus loves you.

    • Thank you for taking the time to witness to me. I’m not sure what makes you think I’m not saved, but I am. Christians go through difficult times like every one else. I am currently going through a rough time, that does not challenge my salvation.

  2. I’ve seen you blog about your dreams once before, and I’m curious, what are your dreams? If they’re personal, obviously don’t share them on a public forum. But you seem to be conflicted over them and I was curious.

    • I have always been the anywhere but here girl. I want to travel, live on a drop of the hat serving and doing. And it’s always been a dream of mine to get out of Pennsylvania. That’s just not possible with the life I have chosen. My husband is a very stay close to home type. he lives twenty minutes from his parents and only travels for vacation purposes. Considering even when I was 13-14 I wanted to be in the peace corps, that’s not a kosher pickle for me. We talked about traveling when we were dating and things, but you know how it is; you’re just not that idealized version of yourself when married. I am beginning to realize that my dreams simply aren’t going to happen. Most of the serving positions don’t give income and/or only admit people into the late 20’s. Time is squirreling away. I thought that I was okay with this life because Gabe is the man I need, but I just gave up so much. And I said it was fine, he pointed out that I told him for five years this isn’t what I wanted, but that I would live with it. But life is short. Life is short and I;m wasting it away trying my damnedest to make everyone else happy. I thought that’s what it’s about, but when you don’t have someone else doing their damnedest to make you happy you end up giving your whole life away and becoming a shell. That’s where I’m at. An unfeeling shell incapable of wanting or desiring or even preferring. I don’t think I could be farther from myself.

      • When only one ox pulls, the cart is heavy, and I feel for you. If he isn’t truly pulling (making sacrifices, working towards a unified goal, not just his own, etc), then he needs to step up and be a man. I won’t judge, though, because I don’t know him at all.
        Life is indeed short, and not to be lived by making everybody else happy whilst carving out your own heart.
        I will pray for your strength/resolution/whatevs. But until then, I have two more questions.
        1. What did you mean by “you’re not the idolized version of yourself when you are married.” ?
        2. What has God told you regarding this lately?

        • I don’t blame him at all. He just doesn’t know what to do. He’s just at a lost and he has a lot of thinking to do to respect his own self. He is willing to set me free and let me run around and do the things I want, but knowing that is such a sacrifice for him keeps me from jumping at it.
          1. Sometimes when you’re dating you just agree to things that the other person says are important things. For example, we bought a timeshare while dating because travel was supposed to be very important to both of us, but in reality it has become a family vacation thing in the same place every year. We are the ideal versions of ourselves while dating not the realistic versions. 2. Honestly, I have not been asking. I asked and asked and asked for a long time, but this has been nearly ten years of my life. I am prayed out. I am asked out. We are told to ask and seek and we’ll find, but I find nothing. As far as I’m concerned, it’s time to grab a floatie and let the river just take me where it will.

          • Do you really want to trust your life to the whims of the river? Oh, you’ll go places, and you’ll get there quickly, but when you surrender control, it’s hard to get it back.
            God’s the only thing worth giving control to our lives and Satan loves nothing more than when we give up.
            What have you asked God in the past? What was it he hasn’t answered?

            • Here is the complexity. There is someone who awakens those dreams in me and without him in my life, I abandon them completely and begin moving on the things that I feel I should do. I have asked God any number of different things. Take the person out of my life, keep him in, God’s will be done, let me move on, let me be strong enough to hold on, show me clearly which way I should even be praying. I never feel like there’s an answer. Every time I feel it is answered completely all the circumstances change and I’m back to wondering. For four years, I prayed that if it is God’s will I never hear from him again and accept the new life I have been given. Then one day, bam. everything is back to the start of those four years. I never feel like I can get settled in life because at any moment the rug can be pulled out.

              There’s nothing else I can do. I really believe it. I have given it up to God more times than anything else in my life. If God can’t take it out of my hands when I beg in faith for most of my life, then maybe I shouldn’t keep giving it up in faith. Maybe I should just let it go.

              • What does the Bible say?

                In the context of your man or the other man, you know the answer; you don’t need to pray. It’s already been answered. God’s word is the final authority for Christians, not our feelings. Speaking of which, God may take away your feelings, but he likely won’t. And he definitely won’t if you keep letting this person back in your life. You know what the right thing is, now do it.

                This isn’t a choice between your dreams or your marriage. You can have BOTH, because God never designed us to separate the two. Past mistakes be damned, God mends all things! Whether he needs to change or you or both, only God knows, and he’ll work everything out.

                This doesn’t mean God magically fixes everything in an instant; that’s not how he works. And we have our parts to play. You keep doing yours. Our circumstances are hardly an excuse for our character; a Christian must be integral, the same person no matter the weather. Cry, yell, laugh, snooze, all good and appropriate says Ecclesiastes, but these things must not change our core.

                And if you have trouble staying the same, scour your Bible and cling to a few key promises about God’s unchanging self. I don’t want to tell you to grit your teeth and hold on; I’m sure you’ve heard enough of that. I’m telling you to press forward, to punch your way through some strongholds, to do what little is required of you for the sake/glory of God, not for your dreams or husband, but for God. You can’t out-dream Him. God sees faithfulness and he will guard you.

                • This isn’t about an affair, if that’s what you’re pressing at. It’s a changing of myself. I am not the same person. There is no regardless of the weather, it doesn’t matter. I’m not. It’s not about either man or my dreams or husband. It’s always been about who I am, and regardless of the shoulds, I am fundamentally changed.

                  • Seeing a counselor isn’t a bad idea, or a surrender, or admission of defeat or fault. You’re in a bad place, and a counselor can help you sort out thoughts, options and stuff.

                    Could it be that the Lord isn’t telling you the Correct Path because there’s more than one? I’m almost 60, and I can tell you this with conviction – choosing between men isn’t the problem or the solution. There isn’t going to be a Fix or Rescue, because both guys have quirks and downsides, and so do you, AKA Baggage.

                    From personal experience as a person of Faith, you’re totally correct – being born-again, or a steady person of Faith doesn’t equal a problem-free life. Good for you for choosing to not have an affair; even though an emotional affair isn’t free of fallout, it’s one less guilt to deal with.

                    Another reason to see a counselor is that it’s time set apart to deal with your life. That can take some pressure off the rest of the time. You can bounce ideas around, get a different perspective.

                    If you can fix your life so you can be happy living in it, you set things in motion for being OK, with or without a partner. That’s important, because there’s no guarantee New Guy is going to stick around, or that you’ll be right for new guy.

                    Little steps, one thing at a time, you’ll surface.

                    • Thanks for all your encouragement. I appreciate all your wisdom on the matter.

                      New guy doesn’t exist. It’s more knowing that someone could break us. Actually knowing that should New Guy decide to take me away that would happen, that has been the issue. Before our marriage was completely unbreakable. I knew that a new guy could never break us. Not because I’m incredibly naive, just because I knew what it would take to break us and it seemed a complete impossibility, until it wasn’t. I know that sounds crazy, but that’s what it’s about.

                      I’m doing a lot better with a trip in place to be free to search out my path. You are so right, it has taken a great pressure off me to know that I will have a set aside time to drown in it.

                • Though I stand by the comment I made the first time, I neglected to thank you for busting my (non) existent balls. You were right in many ways. Once I decided to quite blaming myself for a lot of things and allow myself to re-feel the previous peace I had in the present, God really opened up and showed me that all I had to do was let God do God’s thing. I can’t wait to share all the blessings that God has shared with me over the past couple months, but it will have to wait a little while longer. 🙂

  3. I did’t assume you aren’t saved, but just to clarify, I can relate some to where you seem to be in your journey.
    Christians do suffer, even Paul ,”grieved life”, while suffering in jail.
    You seem locked in to you’re current situation as well.
    In my journey, I discovered MORE of Jesus after discovering Jesus the Savior.
    This quote by Thomas a’ Kempis embodies the Jesus I’m discovering now.
    “Love is a mighty power, a great and complete good; Love alone lightens every burden, and makes the rough places smooth. It bears every hardship as though it were nothing, and renders all bitterness sweet and acceptable. The love of Jesus is noble, and inspires us to great deeds; it moves us always to desire perfection. Love aspires to high things, and is held back by nothing base.”

    We love Him , and our own suffering, because He first loved and suffered for us.
    God bless,
    C.C.T.

  4. I can relate to your desires and hopes for life! I’m too asking God and questioning my Direction in life, feeling as though time is getting away from me. I’ll keep praying…

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