Between the place of purity and oneness and one of duty and honor, there is a place I find feels like home. A place that I stand and look back forth between the things that seem should be simple, but feel they must need be complex. I think of the simple things that I wish were true, and I try to follow them. But I can’t. I can’t follow what is simple and leave the complexity because I think too much. I think too much about everything and when I do, I get lost in the complexities.
They both keep quoting movies to me. The heart wants what it wants. What ending would I want? They both seem to push me in the same direction. Towards the simple, but every time I give in the simple passes me by. I’m beyond wondering if that means something. I’m beyond asking for a sign. Those days have passed me by with something simple by their side. They wash each other away.
Here I stand in the place between and decide not to decide. No matter what choice I make it’s wrong. I’ll be wrong. To not decide is perhaps to remain blameless, unless I think about it. I’m done with thinking about it. I wish I was one of those who could throw their hands up and say what is, is. I am not that person. That kind of release is not in me. But for now, I’ll act like I am capable of that kind of action, of that letting go. I’ll let life swallow me up. Maybe I’ll get some blessings from the giving up. Everyone else in my life let their guards down and got some huge blessings in their lives. maybe that will happen for me too. Maybe something that seems like a problem or a challenge will be the greatest blessing I could ever imagine. So, maybe in the place between I’ll find a place that’s truly mine. Maybe there’s a place that will make sense for me.