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“My God, my God why hast thou forsaken me?” A Grief Post

When I had my miscarriage, people told me all sorts of stupid stuff. I don’t think they realize it. And I know they didn’t mean it. I wasn’t upset by it, not a bit though. I realized at some point that people say the things that they need to hear, the things they need to believe. I was okay with that much to the astonishment of my friends. In fact, I was talking to one of my good friends and told her that people were telling that a. God works all things together for good. b. I should have gone to a doctor rather than a mid-wife and c. it’s okay because I can have another. “It’s bullshit!” She yelled. And she’s not much of a curser. What really set her off was the references to God. And that’s what really set me off too. I wasn’t mad at the people, no, they were trying to help but I was mad at God. But that’s the thing, acknowledging that God has a plan that involves taking my child away was an impossible thought. Is an impossible thought. Why would I worship a God like that? I couldn’t.

Today I was talking to another friend who had pointed out that I was a bit more cheerful and less heavy than last time she’d seen me. “Well,” I told her, “we haven’t been going to church and that helps.” We both started laughing at the absurdness of the thought. Two Christian women understanding completely the reluctance to go to church when we’re depressed. But we’re supposed to find succor in the fold aren’t we? We both agreed that we’d never heard God whisper or feel our cares magically float away when praying about our hardships. We also agreed that people telling us to lean in God was less than helpful. It’s almost like you’re not allowed to be depressed if you’re Christian. People are always telling you that God has a plan with this, that if you lean on God your troubles will melt away. It’s all bullshit. If you need that, fine. I don’t want to take your solace from you, but for me; it’s bullshit.

Why do I think it’s all bullshit? First, I could never worship a God who planned to cause me pain, who planned to take my child from me. No, that is not the God I will ever worship. Second, Jesus is our ultimate example and He cried out “My God, my God why hast thou forsaken me?”He is our intercessor. Why shouldn’t we have the right to follow His example in this as well. If anyone understands the feeling of abandonment, the loss of feeling close to God; it’s Jesus. But let me tell you, no one wants to hear any of that when they are there. It’s all truth and lacking grace. No one wants to be related to when they are at their wits end. They want to be misunderstood, they want to feel as if their pain is pain no one has felt before. So let them cry out, God why are you doing this?! When I was doing that, my faith was not in danger. I wasn’t walking away from God. When I didn’t and I bought the bullshit that God had planned this, that God had a purpose in it: that’s when I turned to run.

There’s nothing wrong with being sad. And if you’re looking for something to say to someone who’s grieving and can’t find the words; don’t. Just tell them that you mourn with them and that you love them. The most comforting responses I got were just that; I love you and I feel for you and I don’t know what else to say. If you’re grieving, I say; I love you and I mourn with you and there’s nothing left to say, but I assure you it was not God’s plan.

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4 thoughts on ““My God, my God why hast thou forsaken me?” A Grief Post

  1. I agree that man’s words ring hollow and useless in such times of tragedy.
    Man has a natural tendency to recreate God (interpret God) in man’s fallen image (the false god most men worship). One becomes very conflicted with the words and wisdom of man, especially when in the throws of emotional despair. Christ himself went to the Father, asking that his cup of suffering God’s wrath be removed, but accepted the Father’s will after sweating drops of blood in prayer. This is the Christian model, in which , is embedded, the strength, hope, faith, and power to endure his chastening in this temporal world. The gospel is the Father sacrificing his son for no reason other than his own good pleasure. This is the will of the Father that Jesus Christ kept perfectly. His punishment defeated sin and won release for believers. I worship that very God. Worship the Father through his Son. The Son’s work on the cross accomplished access to the Father for the very reason that he knew better than anyone what man’s need was and how to redeem man through the love of God. The God of the bible who chastens his own of his own good pleasure, rescuing them from the eternal punishment of separation from him in hell.

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    • Thanks for your comment. I mostly agree with you. I do think that the word chasten implies that a. God plans our punishments rather than allows them, and b. that each one is earned. Two things I do not accept of God. Even the sinister aspect of the God of Job does not show us that God is the one who plans or chastens us for our sin. Sometimes people who do the will of God get screwed. God allows it but it does not come from God’s plans. A non-violent, sin free, immortal life was what God had planned for us, but because of free will God allows different, but not forever!

      I know it seems a little nitpicky, but I don’t want to leave room for people to blame themselves in those times. Guilt can be very dangerous.

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      • False guilt is dangerous. true guilt (contrition) is the mechanism by which man’s conscience (made by God) and informed by his Word (His Son), is revealed to be in need of repentance and faith. The scriptures are filled with examples of “just” and “unjust suffering”, in the temporal world. What we think and feel is of absolutely no consequence when compared to God’s revelation.

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        • Indeed, it’s false guilt I referred to. Should have specified. And I agree that there is both just and unjust suffering. That’s why I am extremely careful to imply that it’s just when I have no right to say so. It would be quite dangerous to be sloppy with words and paint God in the wrong light.

          “What we think and feel is of absolutely no consequence when compared to God’s revelation.” I don’t think I understand what you mean by this. Could you expand on it a bit.

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