She’s turning in circles and talking constantly about something we can’t understand. She’s constantly apologizing. She’s saying the same things over and over. She’s talking to herself continuously. She’s slurring her speech. She’s taking everything the wrong way. She’s whining. She’s nagging. She’s insecure and unbelievably annoying.
I’m growing a human being.
Soon I’m going to have a child of my own.
I don’t want to treat my mother like a child.
After a long discussion on the fact that she only takes pills to get high, a lot of tears on her part, and an easy agreement that I would hold her pills for her to dole them out as needed; she still argued with me like a child not to take them. She whined and pulled them away from me and held on to them when I got hold of them and all but stamped her foot. I don’t really want to deal with this right now. I can’t keep track of her from three hours away. I can’t stand the whining and the constant self-deprecation, constant rapid switching between complete laziness and constant chatter and restlessness. I can’t stand the idea that she’ll show up to my birth high or that she wants to stay with me when I get close to giving birth. And I can’t imagine leaving my child alone with her unless she’s been stably sober on her own. What if baby falls or chokes and needs to be driven to the hospital? What if she drops baby?
I love her.
I really love her, but I can’t be her mother right now.
I need her to take some responsibility.
I need my Dad to help her.
And I need to focus on making a healthy baby.