About me / Thoughts

Resolutely Timid aka Ass Backwards

Sometimes I feel like I get things ass backwards.
Words are more likely to be music to me than any soundtrack will ever be.
I hear the nuance behind the words,
The meaning, before I hear the words themselves.
I see his beauty before I realize he is broken and
The more broken you become the more a masterpiece I see.
And when you walk away, you are everything to me.

But it’s not just that.
I know exactly what will happen
But it doesn’t happen until I realize I am crazy
Until I think I’ve got the future wrong
Then my premonition becomes my reality
And I am stunned.
Stunned.

There is nothing I lack more than faith in myself
But I write about faith, faith in a God that I believe is deeply a part of me.
A part of someone I barely know
Though I realize how very close ‘a part’ is to ‘apart.’
And a part of whom?
Someone I have to write about to understand
Someone I so often let other people explain.

And religion.
I tear it apart to keep it whole
It doesn’t feel like home until I’m outside of it’s established boundaries
When they say their sermons I hear the twisted gospel leaking into our systems
What’s meant to clean and purify, I think poisons
And I hear hate, in a place where love is the highest calling.
But I’m not a pessimist.

In their communities, I laugh before I listen
And in doing so, I apply the bumper sticker before I read it;
Take a side before I know who’s running and on what grounds.
I’m often angry before I know why
Over it before they apologize
And moving on before I notice I’ve been offended.
I don’t know what my opinion is,
I know I sure as hell don’t agree with you.

Lies and cheating
Lies, I lie without blushing even for a second
Then spend the whole day, maybe the next too
And spare seconds for weeks after to re-run the scenario in my mind guiltily.
I never cheat unless I am doing it very ostentatiously to entertain
Yet I go out of my way to prove I’m not and feel guilty when I win.
Even when I win I feel like I lost.

I hate when people misspell words like their, there, and they’re on social media,
But I spell out words that I say as if they exist
Like Okey dokey Spinokey, and Duderino;
And every time I sit down knowing that I have something to say, I have no idea what it is until I’ve written it
I just knew that it was imperative that I wrote it.

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