When I started this blog the connection with Buddhist philosophy was quite clear. For those who have been reading along with me for years, you’ve seen me write many times about Christianity, but perhaps you’ll remember my first page. No? That’s okay. I’ll restore it now as I find myself needing to get back to the roots of this blog. At first, I spent the majority of my time observing a feeling or thought or viewpoint and letting it pass. Now I find myself using this medium to dwell. It’s hard when you put thoughts that are transient into black and white to not look back. That’s part of what I need to let go of.
In Buddhism, there are four noble truths:
- Dukkha- Suffering. Life is suffering. Cheerful eh?
- Dukkha is increased by grasping (tanha) and aversion (dvesha) and ignorance (avidya).
- The end of dukkha is nirvana (undbound).
- Cessation (nirhoda) of dukkha is achieved in the eight fold path.
Basically, life sucks. This is why it sucks. It doesn’t have to suck. Here’s how to make it stop.
This craving and this avoidance and ignorance is what has taken over this blog and my mind. I have these high expectations of people and of Christianity that perhaps can’t possibly be met. Even if they can be met and aren’t, why should I hold onto these ideals and allow their failing to occupy my life? For a very long time I have considered this naivete to be a very important part of who I am as a person. But I’m not doing it right. Not releasing the cravings for ideals and facing the reality of what is, is creating an issue where past baggage is not allowing me to be present with what is right now. Instead of using naivete as a freshness, I’m using it as a source of my constant disappointment.
So, I’m going to give it a go. I’ve said many times that the practice of Buddhism is much closer to what I feel Christianity should be, so let’s do this. I used to meditate often. Now I think I’ll start again. There is so much in silence. Many times I’ve said how much I wish I could wake up in this life, the one that I have, not the one I wish existed. Now I’m going to do it.
It’s really scary though, to imagine living life in the present and letting go of what ties you to ‘who you are.’ But who you think you are puts you in a box. The past taints every second of the present. Bitterness. Disappointment. Restriction. Uh, that one’s hard to say. Letting go of boundaries. That one is hard for me. Immensity is terrifying. I used to have panic attacks as a child about immensity and flimsy (maybe?). When I held dimes, I would have panic attacks (yeah I’m strange…) that feeling of thinness… flimsy… frailty? That is what I feel now.
“How bout them transparent dangling carrots?
How bout that ever elusive kudo?…
The moment I let go of it was the moment I got more than I could handle.
The moment I jumped off of it was the moment I touched down. ”
Thank U by Alanis Morrisette.