I am continuing my journey to become more focused. One pointed mind. My meditation practice hasn’t been taking affect the way I’ve wanted it to. For some reason, I had a vision in my head of tightening my mental muscles and feeling immediate relief.
But relief from what? Right now, I beg for relief from my past self which I am fighting against daily. Mike, yes my old friend returns again, believes that should I succeed in living in the present that I will no longer feel any want to talk with him. But he doesn’t get it. Our friendship is what is present. I want to live in that moment. I want to forgive myself and him for the past wrongs, blow ups, and failings and come alive in my present. It’s decently healthy right now. It could get better. It could get worse. What prevents progress is this constant loop in my head. One thought tumbles after another in quick succession and I am unable to separate them. If I could, perhaps I could reach a plain. But how many times can I say that and remain optimistic about it’s success? Einstein would definitely call me insane. It’s not really that I expect different results, though. It’s just that I desperately want them.
And as I look back on my dreams recently, I can see that my mind has grabbed hold of the idea of focus being the saving force. But I also see that I lose it and nearly drown, so… sucks to be me?