My Mom is heading to rehab today. She just called and said that she was trying to get into a rehab facility two days ago. I’ve been hearing that for months, so I wished her luck and didn’t think any more about it. This morning she called to tell me that she has to leave tonight or at the latest early tomorrow for Florida. I don’t really know how I feel about it. Obviously, she needs help. And I am glad that she’s going. But I guess part of me thinks it’s not going to work and she will have missed my first Mother’s Day for nothing.
We just have a strange relationship right now. I can’t really deal with her addiction, or her drama. Lately, I have definitely taken on the parent role for her. Worrying about her when her friends are mean to her. Worrying when I don’t hear from her. Calming her down when she crying or raging. Yelling at people who are saying nasty things. But it’s probably obvious to her that I don’t want to do it. That I feel neglected by her.
It’s not that I need support for raising my son, but for some reason I feel like she should be offering it to me. Not to mention that her best friend is my age (exactly) and my mother calls her the nickname she called me growing up. Or that my birthday came and went and she gave her friend an Easter present (while I was up for my birthday) and told me that there happened to be a piece cake (which I hate and can’t even eat) leftover from Pap’s birthday party when she realized it was my birthday. But it’s not about any of that. I can’t really deal with her because she’s not my Mom. She’s not being my Mom.
In fact, I don’t really want to deal with most people. Her best friend is constantly messaging me trying to figure out how to help my Mom. I don’t really want to talk to her. I don’t trust my Mom’s crazy friends (for good reason one just had a mental break and smashed in their front door with a 2X4). But it’s more than that. I just don’t want to deal with anyone or anything that makes me feel out of control. I already have a control issue. So much so, that I will effect a result that I don’t even want just to regain control. In the past, I have intentionally put myself into a circumstance for over a year where I felt completely out of control and forced myself to remain out of control to try to work on it, among other reasons. But it makes me feel like I’m going to be my Mom. Erratic. Emotional. Needy. Childish.
I want the people I love to be able to depend on me. My son should be able to feel supported by me. He shouldn’t feel responsible for me or worried about me. I want my husband to feel that he can lean on me, not worry about whether or not I can even stand. And I don’t want to prop myself up on anything. Anything perhaps but writing. That’s pretty safe right? Writing and intellectualizing.
Her addiction makes me selfish.
Why is that?