Family / Life / Love

But I’m a Mom, Are Sexy and Mom antonyms outside of the porn world?

Looking back on my life, I would hardly call myself a woman who owned her sexuality. In fact, I can very clearly remember the times in my life that I was fully in control of a sexual situation and was completely free. There are very few times. I was cute and goofy. That’s usually what guys who liked me said. My friends didn’t consider me sexy. I didn’t feel sexy often. But I did have a knack for kissing a bit to deeply to enable myself to get just a kiss from a guy.

All of the sudden, I feel extremely in control of my sexuality. I am conscious of it all the time, in the best way. I don’t feel the need to restrain it. It is not threatening to me. In fact, it feels quite powerful. But I’m a Mom now. I’ve stopped being seen as wife, as lover; now I’m mother and nurturer. Honestly, it’s been really difficult to get my bearings in this new role.

My friends and I discuss our sex lives after baby. Most say they don’t have time to make it a priority. Some say it’s different in a bad way- painful, tricky. Some say they aren’t as comfortable with their bodies. None of them are in my position. It’s strange to be outside of a community I am only just joining. Does no one feel incredibly powerful? comfortable? amazed? amazing? sexy? insatiable? I mean for God’s sake the things our bodies are capable of!

For a very long time, I have liked Christina Aguilera. It’s a love hate relationship. After she had her first child she wrote an album named Bionic about the dynamism of woman. I hated it. It seemed shallow. It sat on a shelf rarely listened to, until now that is. All the sudden, I get. The crazy craving to do things that you normally wouldn’t do. Not giving a shit who says what about it. And feeling vain. I am seriously vain. I literally have clothes (like 60% of my wardrobe) from highschool, that’s how much I previously hated shopping. But now, I want to shop mostly for lingerie, and shorts. Sadly, there is a nagging thought in the back of my mind that I am a Mom now. Aren’t I supposed to be modest, and respectable. Distinguished? I feel like I spent way to much time being those things and now’s my time. Wasn’t it me that said “What does a good Mom look like? Be a good Mom. That’s what it looks like.” ? So, why is it so hard to free myself a bit and let go?

Ps. This song is awesome for working out. 😉  Get it ya’ll!!

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