Blogging / Life

Ultimatums (Flawless)

Everything has changed since I had a child. My schedule, my habits, my priorities have all changed now and forever. My sex life has certainly changed. But the most surprising thing that has changed is not my sex life, and that’s saying something, it’s my lack of fear. My son came into this world without fear. I was many things about my birthing experience, not one of which was scared. I haven’t been scared since. I’ve been wary, I’ve been cautious, I’ve been nervous, but scared of anything important (ie. not spiders or heights), nope. I remember there was a moment while giving birth that I felt pain for the first time. I knew that I was tearing and I tried to slow down. I looked at the midwife and she knowingly said, “push into it, it’s okay.”

From that moment forward, I haven’t known fear. Logically, I calculated the pros and cons of vaccination and when would be the appropriate time. Fear was not master.

The thing that scares me least is myself. I realize now that I fucking love myself. I’ve allowed myself all kinds leeway and indulgence. I have been faithful to myself completely. I have let go the things I held that weighed me down. I have held onto things that make me buoyant, regardless of how selfish I have been. Until tonight. I held my tongue as “highly unlikely” became highly probable. Why’d you even say it anyway, I wonder. A couple hours later, you just take it back. It makes me angry, desperate and scared. For the first time in a year, I am scared.

But fine. It’s fine. I’ve got to trust myself above all. And I think I can, with you, without you, it’s not about you… I trust myself. All alone, in public, it’s not going to matter, I’ll have me and I’ll take care of me. That’s what I realize now. I’m trustworthy.

Flawless, love, that’s how I feel when you look at me. Everyone should feel like that.

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