Addiction / Blogging / Hypocrisy / Life

Favorite and Loving Someone to Whom It Matters

Thank you. It’s my favorite. Mine too. Woohoo. A scripting phrase a young boy said everyday has stuck with me and become one of my own favorite scripts. Don’t deny it, you do it too. Steal little things and pass them off as your own. “Obviously” the way that Snape says it, any number of Gilmore girls phrases or House’s cynicism, are among my favorite scripts. The things I’ve heard that I repeat, perhaps appropriately, but that are not mine.

The other day I had the opportunity to spend some time doing something that I love to do, something that is a favorite of mine. I got to spend time with one of my kiddos when he really needed a little support. When I did I realized something about myself, I am what people need. I look over to Ashleigh and tell her that I wish he would come back out, because if he’s around I am what he needs; if he’s not around, I am a ball of nerves on his behalf. She turned to me and asked, “really?” She thought that was strange, but it’s me. When I am needed, I don’t exist.

And Him. When he needs advice, I give it. If he needs a friend, I push it all aside and be that. He doesn’t need to worry about what he says. I can handle almost anything. If he asks how I feel about it, I’ll be honest, but until then I’ll do my best to be what he needs. He needs me to stay up and talk to him all night, I’m exhausted but I will sit and listen. I want to spend time with my family, he is drowning and I will save him. I am what he needs. When I am his though, I am mine. That’s my favorite. You see what I need, love, and you are what I need. And that’s my favorite.

My favorites change all the time. I have what I call all-time favorites, songs I never fast forward, movies I never tire of watching, feelings, questions, books I never get sick of reading. But there are favorites that change everyday, obsessions- infatuations. Yeah that’s right, it’s a throwback to an old Christina Aguilera song. All-time favorite song is Hypnotize by the White Stripes. Favorite of the moment is All Things Go by Nicki Minaj. There’s a reason that I love these songs. Hypnotize is my soul in music. Still shouldn’t drive when I hear I that song, how I dance and move to that song is not an option. It demans to be moved to. All Things Go is so much more personal and in-depth to where I’m at. Least favorite is just as important for the same reason, and no one will convince me otherwise! I hate Chasing Cars. I am not a fucking dog, I don’t want to chase cars with you, but that’s only one reason I hate that song. You said no, and I realized how deep you were in. Way over your head and you didn’t even take a deep breath before I watch you disappear beneath the water. Drowning in it, you say you can’t lie still, you’re too busy. The problem was I knew you weren’t. And I’m the only one that catches you on your shit. Just knowing that makes me happy, happy enough to forget what I need to remember because that’s what you need, trump. You are my trump card. Every time, being needed voids my needs, I am what you need, love. So, what do you need, love?

Least favorite word is just. No, not just as in justice, though I know that has been a touchy subject in my life lately. It’s the kind that diminishes. I tell you: “Just thinking of you.” Like ‘just’ makes it okay. As if ‘just’ diminishes it so that I don’t have to feel guilty enough to admit I have a problem. Identical to the way in which you used to begin sentences with ‘hope’, you omit ‘I’ in the hopes that without a defined subject the sentence will be incomplete and someone else (me) will complete it for you. But damn it, I hate that. I want to hear what You hope. I don’t want to make excuses. I don’t want to diminish. ‘Just’ is a sorry excuse for a not having the balls to say what you really need to right now. My favorite word of the moment? Indubitably. It’s a script, but it’s yours and I don’t know another person who uses that word. It makes me happy, even if it’s just a script.

My mother has always been a taker, and I have always been what she needs. I have a son. He is my world and all he needs is me. I am what he needs. A ball of nerves I walk into the dressing room in which my kiddo is pacing, growing more and more impatient, I am calm. I’m more calm than I can ever be for myself. When I calm him down I feel like I am home. I feel that I am masterful again. It’s where I belong. It’s who I am to be what he needs. It’s who I am to be what is needed. I don’t have a special talent, I’m not unique. I’m a chameleon, but for God’s sake, what color is a chameleon in a colorless environment? It’s not about people watching, it’s necessity; it’s safety.

He looks into my eyes and asks for nothing, but needs every bit of me. I rise to that occasion. I can be his everything, but is that who I am? I don’t know how to be mine. It was such a small window (a script in itself) and I tried to climb out. I really tried, but he needed me. They needed me to stick around, and as it turns out I don’t know who I am.

My favorite me is the one He brings out in me. It’s just me. I said ‘just’ because I’m nobody important when I’m my own. I don’t matter, and I like it that way. I come and go, a little wild. I’m a mess, misunderstood. I’m a nasty bitch and I know you too well. You can’t get away with that shit. Someone to hold you to it, it’s what you need after all. I am the boundary that makes you feel safe. I tell you the truth. You are mine and I am yours, it’s true. I still wonder though, who am I when no one needs me? Do I cease to exist when I am not needed because it feels that way.

A Fault in our Stars is my favorite movie of the moment quickly followed by a slight obsession with Wild. I love to have a reason to cry. The idea of someone who is completely guarded, yet stands naked on the altar of love and the comparison to someone who screws up their whole life because they are needy intrigues my mind. Needed and needy, it’s biblical. I know how to abase and how to abound. But, I just don’t. I am the needy.

Sit on the couch with me, hold me together. That’s my favorite.
Talk to me all day everyday. Tell me every thought that passes through your mind.
Let us lie together and talk about politics and how we’re all doomed because that is my favorite.
When we talk, direct my thoughts, and meet me at the end of the path; you are my soul.
Say yes when you need to say no, because for me, it’ll always be yes
Tell me lies and make me believe them, you know that’s what I need sometimes
Listen when I tell you something, you soak every word into your being like sunlight to a plant
Ask about my wrists while you kiss the creases
Sip that sweet red wine while we sit cross legged talking about the worst and best,
Knee to knee like I saw in my dreams
Let me kiss that blush in your cheeks, love
Nights like tonight I convince myself that I’m not what anyone needs, no.
It’s just what I need and you are my favorite.

I don’t need an escape plan.
My favorite view of the world is the one that I see through your eyes.
In this reality, I am all I need.
I am who I am, and I love it.
I am beautiful.
I am happy.
I am whole.
Why?

That’s who you need me to be.
It’s a beautiful sight.
Like my favorite town in the world,
Little white houses with red roofs in the green mountains cloaked with clouds.
Like hiking,
Like the first ripe strawberry I picked myself,
Like my chestnut tree and a favorite book,
Like home.
Yeah, that tree was planted before I was born, and to this day it is mine.
My favorite.

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