Once I was the girl who obeyed the wind and took a coin flip seriously. I didn’t mess with superstition, but counted it all as a sign. Took each obstacle as a personal guide, can’t go over it, must go around it. I thought that those things were fate directing my path.

But I got older. I stopped caring where the wind blew because I had places to go. I stopped flipping the coin and started making pro/con lists instead. I took each obstacle as a coincidence, something that was in my way and if I altered my way because of it, I thought only that I had altered it. Fate had nothing to do with it.

Somewhere along the way, I stopped believing in something. Coincidence means nothing. There is no one, nothing behind it. We find meaning in it because we want to. That is what I have begun to believe. But it doesn’t suit me.

Methodically, I have been storing them up. The way your fingernail curves to one side on the thumb of your right hand. The way you smile that smile of surrender, just when circumstances are almost too much to handle. Every tiny detail of your face is perfectly preserved this time. I can clearly hear the sound of your voice singing. See every fleck of gray in your eyes. Feel it when you say stoic, and steal that word right off my tongue. My head on your shoulder. Your hands on mine. Our feet in perfect step. Your power and tenderness. I won’t let a single memory, moment go to waste.

Tonight, I got the perfect fortune. One that showed me the path that I should be on. One that, had I listened to it, would actually come true. One that came at just the right time, that my younger, freer self would have obeyed without a thought to the contrary. But I am not that person anymore. In a lot of ways, I have ceased to exist. Don’t ask if I’m okay. It has no meaning. There is no I, here. There is only we, and him, and them, and us, and you.


2 thoughts on “Had

  1. You are, and always will be that person, just because you choose to fight it, to hide it, doesn’t make it any less prevalent. I see it every time I read this blog, you are you, you are the way you need to be. I wish these memories didn’t have to be memories. That fortune was a piece of the past, a piece of you that you no longer allow to exist in your waking world. Is it enough to just see that path? Is it enough to know that it exists, the right path? Is it enough to know that you do still exist outside of what you choose to project as you? You are everything… If I could go back in time, just one time, I would shove a dagger through the heart of William Shakespeare and twist it, his words were all theory, and the man needs to know what love really feels like…

    I’ll be here.


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