It’s a depressing thing, discussing fault. Who did what and what did it cause. Questions we never really get to the bottom of. Sharing with you makes me want to share more with you, I want to make you understand, make you see. And when you read the texts and said that you understood, that you had dropped the ball, no wonder, I was relieved a bit. You asked how long I’ll keep them, I don’t know. I like them there. It’s like he believes the universe will carry the thoughts and feelings to me on the wind.
We have a long road to walk, and I don’t know where it ends but this seems like a good start. It’s more honesty than we’ve had since we got married, and that a good start. Today was a roller coaster. Joking and laughing and crying and sobbing. I didn’t realize how many things I have been holding against you, how much I had given up on you already. And I didn’t realize that they really had nothing to do with the specific situation we’re in, but how it allows for it.
What’s on my mind? You keep asking, and I haven’t wanted to process it aloud. I want to process it in writing. It turns out that I am so used to getting emotionally naked this way, that I find it very difficult to do so in person. So I will, and perhaps you will read it.
Tonight when I sobbed and shut down. What was going on in my mind? it was screaming “I’m done with this!” But done with what? This particular idea which was my own? With you? With us? I’ve only felt like that twice before. Once was Mother’s Day about 12 years ago when I set my bed on fire. Once was the day Michael told me he was leaving town for good. My body shut down. I don’t know why the connection. I’ve been wondering and thinking about it, hoping that it would come to me. But nothing. It wasn’t for the same reason, though. No, I know now. It’s betrayal. It feels like betrayal.
I worry. I worry that we’ll never be able to manufacture what we lack. I worry that we will try and try until we hate ourselves for failing. I worry that I will start to pretend again. I worry that like that brief time tonight, i will again only worry about pleasing you without regard for myself, to the point that I will hate you for it. But I think we’ll be okay. After today, I can see that no matter what, I’m pretty sure we’ll be okay. The only thing that could threaten that at this point is a lack of honesty or lack of respect. And I’ll keep that in mind.