Blogging / Family / First love / Life / Love / Thoughts

Fault

It’s a depressing thing, discussing fault. Who did what and what did it cause. Questions we never really get to the bottom of. Sharing with you makes me want to share more with you, I want to make you understand, make you see. And when you read the texts and said that you understood, that you had dropped the ball, no wonder, I was relieved a bit. You asked how long I’ll keep them, I don’t know. I like them there. It’s like he believes the universe will carry the thoughts and feelings to me on the wind.

We have a long road to walk, and I don’t know where it ends but this seems like a good start. It’s more honesty than we’ve had since we got married, and that a good start. Today was a roller coaster. Joking and laughing and crying and sobbing. I didn’t realize how many things I have been holding against you, how much I had given up on you already. And I didn’t realize that they really had nothing to do with the specific situation we’re in, but how it allows for it.

What’s on my mind? You keep asking, and I haven’t wanted to process it aloud. I want to process it in writing. It turns out that I am so used to getting emotionally naked this way, that I find it very difficult to do so in person. So I will, and perhaps you will read it.

Tonight when  I sobbed and shut down. What was going on in my mind? it was screaming “I’m done with this!” But done with what? This particular idea which was my own? With you? With us? I’ve only felt like that twice before. Once was Mother’s Day about 12 years ago when I set my bed on fire. Once was the day Michael told me he was leaving town for good. My body shut down. I don’t know why the connection. I’ve been wondering and thinking about it, hoping that it would come to me. But nothing. It wasn’t for the same reason, though. No, I know now. It’s betrayal. It feels like betrayal.

I worry. I worry that we’ll never be able to manufacture what we lack. I worry that we will try and try until we hate ourselves for failing. I worry that I will start to pretend again. I worry that like that brief time tonight, i will again only worry about pleasing you without regard for myself, to the point that I will hate you for it. But I think we’ll be okay. After today, I can see that no matter what, I’m pretty sure we’ll be okay. The only thing that could threaten that at this point is a lack of honesty or lack of respect. And I’ll keep that in mind.

Advertisements

One thought on “Fault

  1. I’m here, I will be here. I’ve deleted your numbers, your email, and will be unsubscribing to this blog. I love you, I will always love you, I know that no matter what I do, it will only get stronger. This time I fear its enough to push me over the edge, it may be stronger, but, I feel like it will be stronger against you. I woke up puking last night, let me clarify that, I didn’t wake up to puke, the night was riddled with nightmares, I woke up as I was puking. I have to hide these feelings again, I have to shut the love out, like I did 12 years ago. You not being in my life, fulfilling the role you were intended to fill, does something to me that is hard to explain, I will try anyway.

    I realized it in Iraq, on the Sword/Vernon interchange. I had my rifle trained on another human at the guard rail, while my sites were just above his chest, I was begging him, in my head, to give me a reason, I wanted to, I wanted to let that hatred out, I wanted to let the truth out, I wanted to feel again. He had an SMG, and at first, before I aimed at him, he started lifting it up toward me. Why couldn’t he do it again. You, it was all you, and the memories of the life that made me happy. I cant handle this being partially involved, I cant do this half assed love, I cant sit here and watch, read, know, that you are living a false life, no matter how real it is to you, I know its not, and, it’s physically bringing me back to where I was years ago. I wish the best for you, I hope that you can do this, it seems you’ve made up your path in life, the one you want, and I need to let that go. if you ever want to talk again, I’m here, you have my info. I cant promise that I will be who you remember me being, or who I was this time. It took 10 years of fighting to get back to that, I’m afraid of how long it will take this time, to get back to allowing the love in, to be happy again, to feel that joy that you bring to my life. It is important you know that I’m not disappearing.

    A cycle that I fear I am doomed to continue on. 10 years ago, I promised you I would be your friend, 11 years ago I promised you the world, and 12 years ago I promised I was in love with you. 3 days ago, I was so in love with you that I let my guard down, I knew what was happening, my soul didn’t want to feel it, my mind didn’t want to figure it out, my heart didn’t want the pain again. The signs were all there, you were leaving again, just like 11 years ago, you were gone. All the words said that night, everything I heard, seems so pointless. I understand the meaning, I understand the feeling behind them, but it still feels pointless.

    I will always remember your feel, your touch, your mind, your soul, you, I will always remember you. The way you hold my hand, the little things you do that tell me exactly where you are, the way you look at me, the way you lean on me, the naked you with all of your clothes on, you cant hide it from me, I love that. I love you. I love all of you.

    You know how to get ahold of me, and I’ll be there.

    Goodbye, my love.

Complaints, Compliments and Questions

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s