Right now. Right now. Right now. I keep hearing people say right now. There is no right now to me. It’s used like we are constantly changing the foundations of our earth, right now. It’s said like the very next second everything could be completely different, right now.
We use it to justify our denial. ‘Right now, we are in limbo’, as if it will end any moment. ‘Right now, I’m holding onto to a thread, a glimmer’, as if you know it will glint away. We have the same conversation over and over and reaching different conclusions. And I am fine with that. I have patience. Right now, I can handle this.
This back and forth is wearing on me. I’m not going back and forth, but for some reason everyone seems to think I am. I’m not allowed to feel how I feel in this situation, and I’m especially not allowed to feel happy. It’s not often right now that I even feel the inclination to be happy, but all around I’m forbidden it for everyone else’s sake. No matter which way I’m happy it hurts or hinders someone. I’m happy because I’m tired of being miserable and it’s misread. I’m happy because I want to give you what you want, I’m misleading. I’m happy because I can breathe again and that hurts you. I’m happy because you send the right song to cheer me up, ‘sh, don’t say it makes it easier.’ The only person who’s okay with me being happy is Gavin!
No matter how I look at it, happy is out of my picture right now. But I’m a happy person, sometimes I’m going to be happy. I stopped holding myself to the bottom a long time ago. I’m done with that. Wherever I’m going to be, I’m going to be happy sometimes. I’m going to be sad sometimes. I’m going to think life sucks sometimes. I’m tired of feeling pushed around. You think that I have to decide right now. You think that I should take away all the options and do what ‘I want.’ That somehow doing what I want is more selfless, and taking away someone else’s autonomy is gracious. Ugh. This is why I deal with this alone. There are too many voices in my head right now, and all I need is some quiet. All I need is a couple days of quiet- space from feeling, and talking, and listening, digesting. Right now I just need to feel peace and give peace. I’m not the type to dwell. I’m the type to explode and let it go. Holding onto to things like this is not me. Right now, I’m not driving. I’m out of control right now.
Forgive me for all the music, ya’ll. Taking a break from it was not wise as now I have to much to bear to simply listen to, want to share it all.