So it’s been a long time guys. I know this. Lately I haven’t felt like writing at all. Well, that’s kind of a lie. I have felt like writing very often, but I didn’t actually want to write here. A while ago I reread the purpose of my blog and the length of time that I planned on keeping it, and I realized that it has run it’s course. My anonymity has been less than airtight of late. I have kind of given up on it, as per the timeline of the blog. In doing so, I realize that honesty is something nearly impossible to cultivate and continue in one’s own life. It’s what I want- to be honest- but I don’t want to bear the consequences of total honesty and so I am not totally honest. In fact, I’ve been realizing lately that there are all kinds of things in my life that I want that I don’t actually want, at least not enough. For example, my brother in law said that it was easy to make a lot of money. All I had to do was join the military. “I don’t want to be a part of war” I told him. He replied that I wouldn’t have to. Here’s the plan: go through basic, do what you gotta do, get deployed and as soon as you hit the beach cry conscientious objector. You get an honorable discharge and many continuing benefits of joining the service. I am in no way willing to do that. I am also not willing to rob a bank, deal drugs, become a prostitute or stripper or any number of things that are generally associated with easily making a lot of money.
Travel has always been very important to me, but my son is more important. I would love to jet around the world, but I’d rather spend time with my son while he is little. It happens in life. We don’t always want what we want enough. Sometimes this makes me bitter and resentful, but in the months past, I have realized I am not a biter resentful person. I am a happy person. The problems that I have in my marriage are problems that I would have in the next. The happiness I have in my marriage is the happiness I would have in the next. I take with me my problems, my success, my joy and anguish. I am always me, despite what people say. No matter how I act or who I become I can’t truly escape myself and will always be me.
It’s time for me to decide the things I want enough in life to make the sacrifices for. What will I actually do out of what I want to do? How do I live gently to myself and my own mind and heart? How do I tread lightly on my spirit and faithfully to my soul? What are my priorities?
I’m not silly enough to declare this blog over. I do feel that it has in many ways ran it’s course. I may be back. I may rant and rave and share and spill. I may be back from time to time. The question is in what capacity? I love you all. Thanks for coming along with my thus far. I have no advice to leave you with should this be my last post. There are two quotes I have loved lately though that I will leave you with.
“If your Nerve, deny you,
Go above your Nerve.” Emily Dickinson
“It was all unknown to me then.. Everything except the fact that I didn’t have to know. That is was enough to trust that what I’d done was true. To understand its meaning without yet being able to say precisely what it was… To believe that I didn’t need to reach with my bare hands anymore. To know that seeing the fish beneath the surface of the water was enough. That it was everything. It was my life – like all lives, mysterious and irrevocable and sacred. So very close, so very present, so very belonging to me.
How wild it was, to let it be.” Cheryl Strayed Wild