When he didn’t notice or care that that I dressed up for the special-ness of the evening, the special he insisted on.
When he swatted my nose dismissing my affection.
When I changed from my fancy dress into pjs and grew thoughtful.
I grew thoughtful about buoyancy and the way in which we can’t avoid ourselves.
You tell me sometimes that I am not being myself. Tell me how is that possible? I am my identity. I may not be living up to the perception you have had of me in the past but even when I am acting I am being myself. In fact, my self acts a high percentage of the time. Doesn’t mean that’s not me acting. It’s who I am. It’s all a part of me and I refuse to separate the messy inconvenient aspects of myself.
When I contemplated the seeming rejection of another loving soul, another person who holds me away just the same way I realized that its not your fault. It wasn’t his either. It’s me and those issues are mine. I worry about how you react to me and I hold myself at arms length from you to protect myself, but at the same time I am resigning you always to fail. I expect you to do it anyway. Break through all the barriers I build between and find me. But the truth is I am only setting myself up to fail. I can only fail in that scenario, and it has nothing to do with you. If my walls aren’t good enough to keep you out, I’ve failed. If you’re not smarter, braver, stronger than my walls, I fail because I dont’ get what I want. In that same moment of sheer disappointment, I realized it. The inverse must be true.
I am buoyant. If the problems that I have with other people will follow me around because they are mine, then the successes the way that I am happy, the way that I enjoy my days is mine to. It doesn’t have anything to do with anyone else unless I make it so. With or without anyone I need to tend to me and make me happy. If I can’t do that, no one else will be able to make me happy either. It’s time I own my experience. It’s time I focus on my own built in buoyancy a little more often.