Thoughts

We implode
For a while I wanted to think that it wasn’t that way, but it is.

We consume
We both tried to deny it, tried to change it, but failed.
We give and give and give and take and take and take and it wouldn’t be a problem if
We did the opposite one from the other, but
We don’t. I take when you take, and I give when you give, and it sounds like
We’re in sync like that, but so much so it rocks our foundations.

We watch.
We watch each other, lovingly it seems. Pay attention to every detail, ingest every move and twitch and wink. Every shift and stillness.
We watch every time our eyes slide into somewhere else, every time our handwriting curves a different way, every time our breath draws a little shallow. Every second every day,
We watch each other, closely. When it’s off in even the smallest way,
We push and pull and rave and rant and demand to know the difference, but sometimes it’s not a lie to say that
We do not know, because I know you better than you know you, you know me better than I know me when it comes to this. Don’t know how to observe ourselves from the outside. Don’t know how to tell the truth when we are lying to ourselves, but
We try. And when
We fail.

We punish. So very alike,
We punish each other as ourselves, in the details. It’s exhausting, for us both. I pick my nails, and fidget. I withhold affection, wasting time. You ignore me. You shrug. I shrug.
We hold grudges and hate and anger and punish the other by refusing to dig it out of them though they beg us to every second it goes on.
We ignore the look in each other’s eyes demanding to be asked just why on earth
We are being punished this time.

We tear.
We tear down each other’s walls, and lies, and boundaries.
We tear our worlds, preconceived notions, comfort zones, our skin. With each lie no matter how minute,
We tear. Even if it’s from the wrong place, brings us to the wrong conclusion,
We scratch and itch and claw until
We tear, into the very thing that keeps us safe. Like the people who feel bugs under their skin and tear it open trying to let them out, but there is nothing there to let out. But so so much to let in. And in this act of tearing open to find this imaginary bug, they’ve made a problem. They’ve evidenced a flaw that must be fixed. That’s what
We do.
Problems out of nothing and nothing becomes our problem.

But it sure was beautiful chaos.
Your hand on my back wanting to dig your nails in to keep me from moving away.
Your breath, your soul, your eyes, your loyalty, and depth.
Your smell, your kindness, your love, and presence.
The vinegar in your potatoes, hot sauce on your fridge, tears in your eyes during catching fire, the stiffness in your back, your gag reflex, your singing voice, the skating rink, love of celtic music, penchant to slip into an english accent, drive to do your best, inability to waste your time, insistence on the little things- volume in the multiples of five.
I’ll miss you, and I do. I’ve loved you, and I do. Every crazy, infuriating, beautiful, amazing, awesome, sincere, perfect, utterly flawed, dreamy, nightmarish second was ours, and that’s what made it wonderful. And that’s how I’ll remember it.

Several years ago you told me something, it stung and set me free. You said that you slept like a baby, that you were at peace with your decision. I’ll tell you the same thing. It hurts. It really hurts, but I’m at peace.

And with that, a song for the love of my life, Gavin.

 

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