Thoughts

The Hills

I’m really grateful. There hasn’t been a day that has passed when you haven’t made me laugh and cry. Not either/or both/and.

Things have changed for me, changed me. Music has always been my place to hide. I don’t shy away from the feelings that it brings up for me, but rather throw myself into it. Well, I did. Not now. I find myself flipping stations more and listening to my audio books exclusively, where before I’d listen to it if I didn’t feel like plugging in my phone.

And the dreams. For probably 10 years I had the same dreams. It relatively new, the last couple years, that I have new dreams. Lately, I have dreamt of you every night. You’re always leaving me. I always know it’s going happen and I always feel like there is nothing I can do and so I accept it. I wake up sad everyday.

But it’s been easier. The last couple days are easier, except for the occasional panic attack. Knowing that I won’t talk to you is knowing something. It actually calms the anxiety of always waiting for you to block me again. It was like sitting on those rides that take you up and drop you but don’t do it consistently and you never know when you’re going to go.

The worst part for me right now is Gavin. It makes me angry and sad that he misses having you around. He carries his cup out to the kitchen and sets it up. He pulls me out to it by the hand, and I try to play to with him like you would, but he seems dissatisfied.

On a different front, I think you misread the situation. You told me that you hope Gabe can get over it and we can live a long and happy life. But it’s me who feels physical pain when I allow him to kiss me. It’s me who isn’t ready to let him again. I feel as though the pain may not be so great as to dissuade me to kiss him anymore, though I haven’t tested the theory. I feel it’s me that needs to get over all of this if we are ever to be happy again. It’s me who has to stop hating myself and being ashamed of being around him. It’s me who has to stop needing someone else.

But sure, I hope that he can get over it too. Someday.

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