Loneliness

The past couple days have been hard, like really hard. Being lonely sucks ass. Cold weather, dark days, and loneliness do not go well together. My idealism does not help. Somehow I thought that everything would be different. I don’t know why I did, but it was foolish. Years of habit is a hard thing to break and to be honest, I don’t think anyone’s really trying to make changes. I feel like I just need to settle back in. And I think that warmer weather will help. I have to keep myself busy, because being busy helps. Boredom is the enemy.

People talk to you about being mom so differently than what it really like. They focus on the details that don’t matter. Diaper changes, sleepless nights, cleaning up throw up, endless amounts of laundry. Those are insignificant. People don’t tell you that it’s lonely, extremely lonely. They don’t tell you that everyday blends into the next in routine. They leave out that your life is so predictable, you can sleep walk through it and do better at it than if you were awake.

Just to keep myself entertained with discussions, I spend a lot of time and energy instigating conversations about politics on Facebook. It’s a little pathetic, but at least once in a while I have a good talk. Maybe that what I need to do. Start some more discussions on here too. I used to have the best conversations with people on here. Maybe intellectualism can keep my mind a little busier…

I love my son, but I want to be busier. I’m bored. And it’s a big problem. I need attention. My need for attention that seems all consuming sometimes, and that’s a big problem. And for some stupid reason I thought it would be different now, but it’s the same. It’ll get better though. Maybe that’s why people have more than one. There is a lot to do but still not enough. Anywho. Rambling. Later taters.