I’ve outgrown this. This place I needed to keep separate from the world. I’m too old for it. As my children grow and I come into who I am as an actual adult, I realize that my field of fucks given is growing more barren by the year. I am not a person with a dark side and a light side: Jekyl and Hyde. I am a whole person with light and dark like every one else. Each passing year I become more openly that person. The rants dwindle, and the hidden things either die off or become known. And I love that. I’m not saying I don’t need this blog anymore, but certainly far less then ever before. It feels constraining. This space I’ve built has grown narrow. As I give space to the less appealing, the more raw parts of my mind, light inevitably gets in. The dark becomes umber, deep warm brown, sepia, payne’s grey. Look I hate beige, but that’s the tone of me now. I am softer and more fluid. I am warmer, and more comforting overall. This blog is black. It’s red and vivid. I want to be wholly who I am.
Soon I’m starting a new blog. I invite all of you to join me and get to know, not just my dark side, but who I am when I am whole. The shadow self is so comforting and nakedly truthful, but a whole self includes our censorship. We are creatures who hide things, who consider other people’s feelings (I hope), and don’t lash out on tirades (regularly). I’ve really enjoyed sharing parts of me that I don’t share with most people and I’m looking forward to continuing to post here on occasion, but I’m ready to mostly move on. I want to bring this part of me with me. But I no longer want it to own or drive me.